Don’t ask Google, ask me.

My name is Linda and I am a stat checker. There, I’ve said it. I’m not sure there’s a group for people like me but I probably do need help. While I enjoy watching my number of views rise, the thing that I really get a kick out of is looking at the search terms that bring people to my blog.

Of course, I’m flattered that people deliberately search for ‘Linda Irish blogger in Latvia’ and ‘Expat Eye on Latvia’, but it’s the ones that make tea shoot out of my nose that really get me. This is my tribute to all of you weird and wonderful people out there that enter Google search terms which open my eyes to a world I had never even imagined existed.

nude mature latvian women for dating sex marriage

I like that this guy has all the bases covered. Dating, sex, marriage (and probably much more besides) is fine by him as long as you’re nude, mature, Latvian and a woman. Can’t help you out on the nude bit, but maybe this will keep you going in the meantime.

Maybe she's up for it?

Maybe she’s up for it?

what it mean when your wife never smiles at you

It means you’re probably married to a Latvian.

mother makes daughter feel better on couch from cold with soup in blue porn

Pretty specific search terms there, although I never really considered soup as a porn-friendly food. Surely a boiling hot carrot stuck to your bits would dampen the ardour of even the most hardcore porn star?

how to say fancy a shag in latvian/how to tell a latvian women she is beautiful/how do you say you have nice eyes in latvian…

I’m grouping these ones as I don’t believe that you actually need to learn how to say them. You’d be far better off learning to say ‘Can I buy you a drink/fur coat/diamond ring/apartment?’ Or follow this searcher’s example – i will keep you in latvian. He’s got the right idea.

why dont latvians smile

They blame the Russians.

nobody in latvia smiles

True. See above.

latvian man calls me lady instead of my name 

He could call you much worse. He sounds like a keeper.

latvian women smile at you


nude latvian men

Are you for real? You really want to see this guy naked?

Latvia's sexiest man

Latvia’s sexiest man

east european eye licker

Makes the above search term look positively normal.

manners: is it appropriate to constantly suck down nose mucas

No. And it’s even less appropriate when you then shoot it out onto the street.

farting in latvia

If it’s a choice between this and the snot rocketing, I’ll take farting any day of the week. Do other people search to see if farting is acceptable before they visit a country?

what is the name of someone living in latvia


cultures that smile a lot

Google definitely led you down the garden path here. You should not have ended up in Latvia.

why is it rude to eat with right hand when in latvia

I wasn’t aware that it was.

why do latvians view a deceased legs?

I wasn’t aware that they did but then, I learn something new every day…

how to get your latvian girlfriend to give you a blow job

If you ever did find out the answer to this one, I know a few guys who’d be happy to hear it.

why are latvian people so

This guy was so stumped he couldn’t even finish typing the search term. They have that effect on you.

how to forget myself shameless big mistake and become normal again with cute, innocent nature and a clean mind

Ummm, maybe a nice long walk in the forest?

latvian hate everybody

I’m not sure if this was a question or a statement, but yes.

So there you have it. The tip of the iceberg of the known search terms that bring people to Expat Eye on Latvia. The unknown search terms make me fear for the future of our planet.

About BerLinda

Adjusting to life in Germany, after living in Latvia for four years. Should be easy, right?
This entry was posted in Humor, Humour, Travel and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

91 Responses to Don’t ask Google, ask me.

  1. Cassandra says:

    Aren’t blog searches the best?! I was cracking up at the one about soup in porn, as well as all of the unsmiling women drama.

    This reminds me that I should go check my search stats soon–the last time I did, I had a ton of searches for variations on “hairy Cassandra,” whatever that means!

  2. Pingback: Don’t ask Google, ask me. | mydarkpassengers

  3. Ellyse says:

    Brava! beautifully said. I actually died a little inside. 😉 You even inspired me to look up ¨nude mature Latvian women for dating sex marriage). Here´s the only link that didn´t directly involve nude mature latvian women…
    now tell me what do you think of this latvian theory? accurate? rubbish?

  4. Bryan says:

    hilarious. you have inspired me to look closer at the search terms on my blog! you have a great writing style!

  5. Glad to know we’re not the only ones who read the search terms that lead to our blog and then laugh ourselves stupid!

  6. Ellyse says:

    thank you, yet again, for another fabulous post!!! I died a little. =) I was so inspired I actually googled ¨nude mature latvian women for dating sex marriage¨. Here is one link I found that doesn´t completely exploit nude mature latvian women that I still found interesting.
    What do you think?? Any opinions on this you´d like to share? (it´s not porn, promise).

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha ha, I trust you! I’d actually been sent that before. Interesting theory. I wonder who they found less outgoing than the Latvians though?!

  7. Justin says:

    This is the best thing I’ve read all week and it could not have been more perfect to end this absurdly warm long week in nyc. I was laughing at my desk at work. I will be sure to ask you questions about Latvians and not google. Enjoy England!

    • Expat Eye says:

      Thanks! And glad I gave you a boost at the end of your work week! Crazy hot in England as well – the English are starting to wish for rain at this stage but not me! Blue skies and high 20s every day – amazing!

  8. This is THE funniest thing I ever read about Latvia!!! BTW I also get google ads about naked Latvian women. Interesting cause every time I am in Latvia I do not see any of them naked!

  9. I think I peed myself just a little reading this.

  10. Man, your search terms are so much better than mine! Just popped over here via Liv Lives Life and glad I did- any blog that makes me laugh automatically wins my devotion 🙂

    • Expat Eye says:

      Thanks very much! And thanks for following! I can’t even really take the credit for this one being funny – it’s all the mad people out there who should take a bow 😉 Linda.

  11. Ha, I like this post a lot. And will definitely track back to it when I do my own version one day…

    One of my best so far has to be “guys wanting to meet from Dorking for wank”. (I understand if you don’t approve this comment now by the way!)

    In other news, whilst no one appears to click on the links I actually put up. You appear to have piqued people’s interest… 5 views in the last 7 days. I can’t even buy that kind of publicity!

    Hope the school is treating you well.

    • Expat Eye says:

      Kind of! It’s hard work but the kids are nice which is a great start! Glad I’m driving people to your blog – wonder what’s piqued people’s interest in me!? Maybe they think I’m a hot Latvian woman. I imagine a lot of blokes are very disappointed when they’re led to me instead 😉 Love that search term – you’ll definitely have to write one – you must get some corkers!!

  12. Pingback: Thursday Thoughts: More Links | Liv Lives Life

  13. rjschutte says:

    Had yesterday “a latvian leprechaun” and i am sure it wasn’t me who searched for it 😦

  14. bevchen says:

    Just looking at your conversation with lady of the cakes… ALL my search terms yesterday were “other” as well. Strange! maybe WordPress was having an off day?

  15. Ansh says:

    ermmm… I hate you?

  16. 1WriteWay says:

    This post made “tea shoot out of my nose.” I really needed that this morning 🙂

  17. livliveslife says:

    Oh my goodness, this post made me laugh out loud. Wow. I don’t even know which one is my favorite! They’re all too good. Thanks for sharing!

  18. Mr Kev says:

    Make sex love unsmiling woman Latvia forest spank.
    *crosses fingers for direct hit to this comment*

  19. That… was so worth waiting for 🙂

  20. pollyheath says:

    These are all great but seriously… soup in porn?! Sounds way too dangerous.

  21. Haha, this had me laughing out loud! I’ve never thought to check my search terms. Now I’m curious!

    • Expat Eye says:

      It’ll make your day! I don’t even think I’ve mentioned half the things people searched for but there you go! Strange world we live in!!

  22. Bob Lewis says:

    OMG! Life in Latvia seems to get more complicated by the minute!

  23. gina4star says:

    oh i love it! This made me lol at my desk! There’s some …interesting folk out there that’s for sure!

  24. Can’t stop laughing! Oh! what amazing creatures we are under the cloak of anonymity! To visualize random people in front of their screens all over the world, searching why Latvians view deceased legs! Of course, the Japanese are already into eyeball licking. So I want to believe all the others are happening too. The truth is, indeed, out there.

  25. Haha I love this post 🙂

  26. Pecora Nera says:

    Funny, thanks for brightening a Monday.

    If you start a group for stats checkers, send me an invitation..

  27. bevchen says:

    Hahaha!! I love search terms posts. It does make you wonder what was going through the searcher’s mind though. East European eye licker?! What? Why?

    Most of my recent search terms have been pretty boring, sadly. I did have someone search for “horse bum” though.

  28. Kristin says:

    Oh, too funny! I actually also regularly check the search terms on my blogs and found that most visitors of my German blog are looking for nudity related subjects (I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: Germans are kinky! – and I also meant to write a post about it), while the most popular search term for my English blog is “duendes”, little Mexican elves.
    East European Eye Licker? Really? Sounds like someone is getting a kick out of having their eyes licked… Or is that some strange name for an eye shadow colour? Love the porn soup and the deceased leg… What am I saying? Love all of them! Thanks for making me laugh!

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha ha you’re welcome! As I was going through them, I realised I’d missed some along the way – East European eye licker being one of them! I nearly fell off the bed! I wish it was the name of an eye shadow colour, but I have my doubts! 😉

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