The Latvian men in my life see me as many different things – unintentionally hilarious Irish person, friend, drinking buddy, teacher, last-minute proofreader, shoulder to cry on when their mad Latvian girlfriend does something mad, Plan B girlfriend…
However, the one thing I’m pretty sure none of them have ever seen me as is marriage material. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I actually want to marry a Latvian, it would just be nice to be asked (once or twice) while I’m still young enough to be able to visualise myself walking up an aisle without the aid of a zimmer frame.
I can understand why they don’t see me this way. I’m not maternal. A girl I know posted a picture of a lump of pork on Facebook today with the description, ‘Look out! We’re cooking up trouble!’ Turns out it was a scan of her unborn baby girl.
I’m also not exactly the home-maker type. I don’t own cushions, throws, plants, vases or more than 2 plates. I do have a kitchen – of course I do. Where else would I keep the fridge that keeps the wine? A Latvian guy looked into my fridge once – he was out the door and running back to mammy before I could lie explain that I just hadn’t done my weekly shop yet.
Anyway, in an attempt to ‘homey up’ my image a bit, I’ve decided to become a domestic goddess. Not permanently, you understand – just to prove that I could be one if I wanted to. I gamely turned to the ‘Latvian National Cuisine’ book that a friend had bought me (as some sort of joke, I think).
I quickly ruled out the main dishes. Not only do I not have any desire to cook a piglet, I also have no idea where to buy one; I do not do anything with liver except pickle my own; and I had to look up ‘aspic’ in a dictionary. I flicked to the ‘Desserts’ section. Even though it’s an English book, I felt like it was in Chinese. How on earth do you ‘remove an island from milk’? How do you ‘carefully fold’ jam? What is a ‘stiff foamy peak’ when it’s at home?
In a domestic-goddess-flop-sweat, I sent a message to my Latvian friend. Explaining that my plan to become the next Nigella Lawson overnight was being thwarted by my inability to make sense of English, she helpfully sent me a recipe IN PICTURES for ‘fast apple pie’. She had me at ‘fast’.
As the only ingredients I had in my kitchen were eggs and salt, I made a list. After another look at the pictures and a look around my kitchen, I quickly added a mixing bowl, a baking tin, a wooden spoon and a whisk/blender. Realising that this was going to be a hypermarket trip instead of a run-of-the-mill jaunt to the corner shop, I added 2 bottles of wine to the list. For my nerves, not the cake.
Three hellish days and nights later (in reality, around 40 minutes), I emerged victorious.
After a little lie-down, I got busy. Bringing the laptop into the kitchen (I was afraid to be too far away from the pictures), I set about making my first ever cake.
Things got off to a bad start when, in my nervous excitement, I prematurely pushed the button on the blender and sprayed sugar all over the kitchen. Not to worry. I’m sure these kinds of things happen to Nigella all the time.
With the flour and stuff poured over the fruit and stuff, and the whole lot bunged in the oven, there was little else to do but sit back with a glass of wine and wait and see what happened. It was then that I discovered what the incredibly comfortable armchair in the kitchen is for. It’s where Latvian women used to sit watching their cakes in morbid fascination, waiting for them to explode.
I knew what it was supposed to look like…
…but I couldn’t bear to watch. I made myself go into the living room, finished off the glass, and then slunk back 20 minutes later to see what had happened. It was at this point that, wherever you are, you may have heard me yelling, ‘Holy shit! It actually looks like a cake!’ And it did:
I also realised that neither of my plates would be big enough for it so it would have to live in the cake tin.
And now for the moment of truth – what did it taste like? It was, amazingly, delicious! Slightly crunchy on top, moist and spongy in the middle, apple-tastic with a little blueberry surprise every now and then.
Sod men and proposals. There’s no way I’d share this anyway.
That you don’t cook it`s ok, you can learn, but I am surprised you mention wine and beer so often… That`s weird! You drink so often?!
Not SO often 😉 I like a glass or two of wine some evenings – it feels like the end of the workday when I pour it 😉 I’m drinking tea with ginger and honey at the moment though, so don’t panic 😉
I’m turning into a great cook actually! 🙂 Thanks for the comment! Linda.
With cooking good luck! But with alcohol be careful, I`ve noticed people in Ireland and UK can have every weekend and just in the middle of the week sometimes a bottle of wine or pack of beers or smth else for evening to have a couple of glasses of drink. And after all that in the whole world people say Russians drink a lot? 😀 Bullshit!
Ha, my Russian students were really funny this year! We’d walk through the centre of the town and they’d be like ‘Um, Linda, why is everyone drinking at 10am?’ I didn’t really have an answer for them. So they tutted a bit and went ‘Huh, and people think Russians are bad.’ 🙂
Linda,don`t worry,that you can`t cook! Neither can I:) ok I can,but it`s nothing like from the cook books or them cool tv programms teaching you easy cooking 🙂 and I do take my laptop with me into kitchen just to follow the picture recipies :)…and guess what-I`m married :). Greetings from rainy Ireland,hope the weather is better in my home country 🙂
It’s not! Raining here too but at least it’s not too cold – yet!! Thanks for the comment! How do you like it in Ireland?? Linda.
I think it`s better when it`s cold rather then rainy 🙂 It`s been great 8 years of my life here 🙂
Glad you like it! 🙂
Brilliant! May I say congrats to you and your victory, er I mean cake.
I had to giggle quietly as I read this as I just put my son to sleep, and did not want him to wake. Ooops to bad he did, but it was so worth it.
If he woke up on Friday, it was probably because he heard me yelling all the way from Latvia 😉 I’ll try to make the next one giggle-free… maybe 🙂
Hey, that looks great! It does, like you said, look like a real cake. Haha I’m afraid my attempts at cakes have not turned out so successfully – perhaps that’s why I have yet to receive a marriage proposal from a Spanish man? 🙂
Yep, that must be it. I’ve had 10 proposals already this week. I’ll be Mrs Janis before you know it 😉 Keep at it haha!
Haha excellent news! 🙂 I’ll get to work not setting my cakes on fire immediately.
It’ll probably be more fun if it blows up 😉 But not very husband-friendly!
Haha indeed! And as I’m not in the husband-search market yet, perhaps chemistry experiments will be more entertaining (although my roommates may disagree).
Ah, I don’t have any roommates so I only run the risk of scaring the bejesus out of myself 😉
Maybe I should get you to write a guest post on baking?
I’m not sure I’ll have time, just been offered my own cooking TV show… 😉
That show would be full of spice…
It sure would! Very little cooking but lots of spice 😉
And wine…
Oh, lots and lots of wine! I think it would make for very entertaining viewing! 🙂
I just recently stumbled across your blog and am having a great time going through the past entries… sounds like quite an experience living in Riga!
Anyway, I also can’t believe this is the first cake you have made, but it turned out look great! Good work! 🙂
I’m still eating it. 4am. No wait, 3am! Hurrah! An extra hour of cake eating time! 🙂 Thanks for commenting! Linda.
Impressive beginnings! At least now when you get fed up of all the Janises mangling articles and tenses you have something to fall back on. The world’s first Michelin starred Iru-Latvian restaurant suddenly doesn’t sound so unrealistic after all.
Seemingly there’s a chain of Siberian-Irish bars in Russia so it’s only a matter of time! 🙂 Still eating the cake – it’s the one ‘downside’ – when you bake it, you just have to eat it! And now I’ve gained an extra hour of cake eating time! 🙂
Wa-hey, you didn’t brun the kicthen down! Cake looks good too 😉
I bake all the time and I have NO idea what removing an island from milk even means. Did you make that bit up?! Folding is easy… we learned that in school in year 7!
I most certainly did not! Quote ‘Remove the islands from the milk and arrange them in deep dessert dishes’ – like I could make that shit up?! I never did Home Ec. – I never felt I needed it – until I tried to read that damn book! 🙂
We had to do Home Ec until it came to choosing GCSE options. I then did Food Technology for GCSE on purpose… the other options would have been Systems and Control (whaaaaa??) or woodwork – and I was terrified of all the sawing machines and things.
Hmm, with no idea what Systems and Control would have entailed, I would have picked woodwork! Could have put together my bedside table then! I did Business Studies, Music and Physics – physics was a mistake 😉
We had to do all three sciences! Our choices were single science (one lesson of each per week) or double science – science every day with different ones being taught twice a week so it all evened out.
Uh, science overload! We only had to do all three until Junior Cert (GCSE)
Can recommend Claudia Roden’s Jewish cookbook for the best apple cake and plum tart recipes ever….
Is it EASY? 🙂
Great Job! Can you fedex that cake to me? 😉
Hmm, I’m not sure it’ll be worth it for a few crumbs and part of a blueberry… 🙂
Mmm, cake is always good and yours looks great. Never mind getting a man, cake always gets me new friends – next time make two cakes, so you’ve got one to share and one to eat on your own!
God, then I’d have to go and buy a second baking tray… I thought I’d never get out of that hypermarket alive. Easier to stay alone I think! 🙂
Wow you can bake a cake…. Now you can go find your Latvian man 🙂
Watch out boys, she’s got a wooden spoon and she’s not afraid to use it! 😉
Awe, look at you all domesticated 🙂 Who’d have thought? 😉
And now I’m cooking bacon – and it’s all for me, me, me!
I did just wake up though – guess the baking took it out of me. I’m sure a domestic goddess would have been up at the crack of dawn cleaning or sewing or doing whatever it is they do! 🙂
It looks wonderful! Watch out — soon you’ll be on to main courses and you’ll be beating off the Latvian proposals with that heavy-looking cookbook.
I’ll use the wooden spoon for that. I forgot to use it in the cake-baking so it needs an outing! 🙂
Great hilarious post! Again! I am sure you did a great job. Baking is not as hard as it is made out to be… The art of international baking is… trying to find the right amount of ingredients because they are not the same as at home. FML! Finally after 5 or 6 tries, adjusting flour amounts and cocoa from 1/3 to 1/2 cup and making the oil 1/4 cup and butter 1/4 cup instead of 1/2 cup butter… got a brownie recipe that works. Where are the box mixes when you need them!! oh, back in the U.S. of course. On the bright side, cooking from scratch is healthier blah blah blah…. where is the wine? I must try cooking with wine from a bottle. I already having been cooking with wine. It just came from my toddler.
I think I will convert this to a blog post! not kidding. 🙂
Ha ha, go for it! Yes, box mixes are everyone’s friend! They don’t really have them here either. You actually have to work and ask local friends which one of the 16,000 varieties of flour is the right one 😉
There are some box mixes in Latvia too – look around flour shelf, and you’ll notice some “Hercogs” cake mixes. Not many, though, and you have to have some eggs and butter as well as bowl and whisk at hand anyway 🙂
Well, now I’ve got the bowl and the whisk, there’ll be no stopping me! Pancakes might be the next step. You need flour to make pancakes, right…? 😉
Yes, indeed you need flour (there are some pancake mixes available, too ;)), but I’d like to point out that pancakes, though being a staple food, can be tricky, i.e. you can make pancakes easily, but can fail to make GOOD pancakes (I learned the crucial difference between crepe and pancake mixing process only recently, and few Latvian cookbooks or online recipes mention it). But that shouldn’t stop you from trying and impressing your readers (and Janises!) with your achievements in kitchen!
God, I thought pancakes would be easy! I’d still be happy if they ended up as decent crepes though! 🙂 The Janises will be lining up!!
This is the beginning of the end, isnt it? Next thing we know, you’ll be sitting around crocheting while dressed in head to toe leopard. Sad.
(I kid, I kid. It looks FANTASTIC. I can almost smell it from here. Domestic O’Goddess indeed!)
I’m more crotchety than crocheting 😉 Had a of cake as a pre-bacon snack – it’s still GOOOD! 🙂
Oh my, I’d marry you now!!! …but seeing as you don’t need a visa, I’m guessing your answer is no.
I dunno – those knees… 🙂 There’s still plenty left – tempted to visit Riga now???
Always tempted by a good cake offering, me 😉
I think I might be a one-trick pony though. This turned out so well I don’t want to tempt fate. I’m just going to make this one over and over and over 😉 And maybe some pancakes. I think they need flour too? I have a lot of flour now… And soda. What the hell does soda actually do??
It acts as a raising agent, so the thing doesn’t come out like a brick.
Then what does yeast do?
Same thing
Hmm. Confusing. 🙂
Not really. Yeast is a live organism. If you’re using yeast, you have to let the dough/pastry rest before baking to let the yeast do its job. With baking powder, which is a chemical agent, there’s no need to wait, so it shortens the preparation time considerably. Of course, some types of pastry have to be made with either one or the other to turn out right. But the essential job of the yeast and the baking soda is the same – to make the end result fluffy, light, airy, to give it the desired texture.
You really ARE Lady of the Cakes! I have a lot to learn. Or else I can just buy them from now on and let other people worry about this stuff 😉 Need to find me a good house husband 😉
All I have is theoretical knowledge, but I don’t actually make ’em… you’re way ahead of me there…!
You sound so impressive though! I just threw a bunch of stuff together and hoped for the best! 🙂
This is my job, don’t forget…
And I thought it was all about prunes and sausage 😉
You need the former to make the latter 😉
You DO???
Sorry. I’ve had two glasses of wine. Scatology abounds.
Don’t you dare put me off sausages. The porky scan nearly did that. Luckily, it just put me off babies even more than before. It was close though. 🙂
LOL! I’m sure you’ll enjoy a good few more sausages yet 😉
I hope so 😉
O’Goddess, you had me laughing out loud! Now it’s time to move on to chocolate cakes!!
I’m not sure I’ll be trying again 😉 It was a novelty but very stressful! Plus I could have bought 5 cakes for what I spent on equipment, ingredients and wine 😉
Well done! So you do have a little chef hidden in you after all 😀 Your cake looks awesome, and since these types of apple cakes are my favorites I would not lie to you on this. Trust me I’m a self appointed expert on this LOL
And not to worry if you do not have a plate big enough for the cake. I don’t either, or rather I don’t bother with them, and I either let the cake sit in a cake tin or… wait, there’s no ‘or’ there. I’m an obsessive compulsive cake eater when it comes to home made apple pies (same as the rest of my family members), so the cake’s usually gone in like half a day 🙂 so why bother with ’em plates
I’m with you there! I don’t think it’s going to last that long! 🙂 I might just eat it out of the tin with my hands haha! It really is good! I was expecting it to be absolutely terrible but it looks like Latvia has brought out a hidden talent in me 😉
Well done! Cripes I know exactly where you’re coming from. Before my wife and I finally had kids – our fridge tended to hold a bottle of ketchup, a Gatorade and a few stray beers. We ate out virtually every night – hit the bars all the time – neither one of us had much of a clue about cooking or any of that nonsense. Now, after years of being a stay-at-home-dad and immersing myself in Gordon Ramsay cookbooks and such – I’m cooking up a storm. I still have to say though, drinking copious amounts of beer and/or wine really does help the whole creative process when in the kitchen. Cheers 🙂
I’ll drink to that! Good to know there’s hope for me yet! What did you need the ketchup for?! Last night’s takeaway leftovers?! 🙂
That’s correct! Ketchup makes everything better… at least I used to think that. I was usually really hung-over.
Ha ha, I know the feeling! 🙂
Why on Earth wouldn’t you like to cook a piglet?! Don’t you know the rule?! The cutre the animal, the better it tastes!
Roast meerkat anyone? 🙂 How on earth would I get a piglet home on the trolley-bus?!
Piglets are tiny. It doesn’t need its own seat. It just goes in your bag with the other dead things. I demand your roast piglet recipe!
Ugh, I couldn’t get past chopping the ribs in half lengthwise – I’ll stick to cake!
Oh Linda, you make me laugh soooooo much! I just guffawed out loud at work reading this, my colleagues surely think I’m crazy. Glad you made it clear that you don’t actually want to marry a Latvian, I think I would have been super shocked at your domestic-goddessness had you not explained that! Hehe, and as for your cake? Looks pretty good for a first time cake making effort!
Also… the armchair in the kitchen! It all makes so much sense now!!!
I know, right?! And I never would have figured it out had I not tried baking a cake! I’ve never been in the kitchen that long before 😉 My neighbours must think I’m mad – put some eggs and sugar in a bowl, take a picture, add some flour, take a picture, jump around when I spray it all over the place, take a picture 😉
I often wonder what my neighbours think when they see me taking photos of things in the kitchen 😀
And other random stuff! I take pictures of puddles, mad old women, sweeping women, trees, spiders called Janis… actually, 2 Janises fought to the death in my kitchen this morning. It was quite something!