Jānis, Jānis! Wherefore art thou Jānis?

Today I did something that Mammy O’Grady would definitely not approve of. (Among other things) I joined a Latvian dating website. And no, before you jump on the mammy bandwagon, I haven’t completely lost my mind.

You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s only fair. I go on and on about Latvian men on here but the truth is, I’ve never actually been on a date with a Latvian. Booze-fuelled adventures, sure. But a date? Never.

I’d been mulling this over for a couple of weeks – should I/shouldn’t I/have I had that psychotic break and just not realised it yet? Then on Saturday night, the stars aligned and the decision was made for me. I was waiting outside a bar while a couple of Latvian guys chatted a few feet away. Suddenly, one of them let a rather loud fart rip. OK, so anybody can fart… the truly impressive thing was that he actually lifted his leg to do it.

There, I thought to myself, is a man who isn’t afraid to show his manly side. A true bastion of machismo and virility in a world of pink-shirted metrosexuals. I have GOT to get me one of those… 

Then I dithered for a few days. If this was indicative of Latvian man (and it very well might be), was a little Irish girl like me really ready for those levels of testosterone? Finally, after increasing my own levels of wine, I decided that I was and signed up to oho.lv.

To be honest, I’m not expecting to get too many suitors. Most of the women on the site put the HO in oho. I had to send my Latvian friend a quick message just to make sure that I hadn’t lost something in translation. I didn’t want to take the chance that I was signing up to a porn star grooming service by mistake.

My German friend (helpfully?) offered to take some ‘tasteful’ pictures of me in a leopard print bikini and white boots to give me a boost in the competition against these lumps of mutton vixens, but I gracefully declined. Instead I opted for a bit of distance with a whole lot of tree. Really, nothing turns a guy on in these parts like a tree. Or walking around amid hundreds of them.

And a Latvian heel for good measure

And a Latvian heel for good measure

Despite the fact that I’m probably fighting a losing battle, I’ve already picked out a couple of likely candidates. A girl can dream, right? The problem is that Latvian men seem to be incredibly picky. Each profile you click on reveals what the guy is looking for in a girl. It turns out, I’m always either too short, too tall (OK, that hasn’t happened), too heavy, too light, too old, too young, not blond enough, not dark enough, I earn too much, I earn too little, too educated, not educated enough, too ‘Capricorn’… the list goes on.

Anyway, there’s only one man I really want but I don’t dare to dream that he could ever want a girl like me.

Yummy

Yummy

So, for now, I’ll have to settle for lovingly stroking his rather large, um, cigar, through my laptop screen… Sigh.

Ooh, hang on, I’ve got mail! Jānis? Jānis? Is that you??

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About BerLinda

Adjusting to life in Germany, after living in Latvia for four years. Should be easy, right?
This entry was posted in Expat, Humor, Humour, Janis, Latvian men, Love and Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

139 Responses to Jānis, Jānis! Wherefore art thou Jānis?

  1. Livonian says:

    Be careful with guys using words like “mincītis”. Mincītis is not only a sweet, endearing term, but it also means “pussy” in Latvian slang. The guy might be slipping you innuendoes about sex. As someone who’s been on oho, – don’t get your hopes up too high, as many of those guys are there only looking for casual sex, a lot of married guys looking for flings, too. And Latvian men have very high standards – I could write a book about it, but let’s just leave it at that.

  2. Colleen Brynn says:

    Ah, a fellow Capricorn. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
    This is flipping hilarious. I die.

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha ha, the real-life experience isn’t so funny! Just sex, sex, sex – requests for it I mean, not actual sex! 🙂 I’ll be doing a follow-up post later in the week – when I can figure out a ‘polite’ way of wording it!!! Linda.

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  4. THIS. IS. AWESOME. I can’t wait to hear how this all turns out! You must include photos in the updates!!

  5. Aussa Lorens says:

    OH MY GOSH. I cannot wait to hear how all of turns out. One must always ingest several glasses of wine before joining an online dating site– no matter the country. Seriously I could squeal just waiting to hear more stories about this.

  6. barbedwords says:

    I genuinely can’t wait to hear how your first date with Janis (any Janis will do) goes. And, by the sounds of it, a post just listing all the replies to your ad (?) will make superb reading 😉

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  8. The photo turned out great! Good luck! I totally thought about doing this after my break up in Germany and then realized I’d have no idea where to start. Plus, I was far too nervous, so go girl!

    • Expat Eye says:

      I think it was a bad idea – the only guy I’ve enjoyed chatting to so far turns out to be married. Yes, a married guy on a dating site – welcome to LV! 🙂

  9. rigaenglish says:

    I can see the future already. Linda O’Gradija-Berzina slaves over a hot stove, fretting about whether the zirni and biezpiens cakes will be ready in time for her Janis to come home. Don’t get too carried away and threaten to do what my mum did! http://www.irishcentral.com/news/Irish-woman-prepares-to-marry-an-American-man-shes-only-met-online-167162865.html

  10. pollyheath says:

    I’m so excited!! I can hardly wait for the first (or second or third) date to happen!

  11. That’s a lovely picture of you!! You never now how this dating thing will go… it could be the start of something beautiful!!

    • Expat Eye says:

      Huh, just got called ‘vain’ by some guy because I didn’t reply to him within a time period he was happy with 😉 I’ll scratch him off the list 😉

  12. Oh, yummy, you are so dreamy! LOL

  13. Nene says:

    You’re never going to get a man from up there with that photo, so I’m sending you this link for inspiration:

    http://www.sadanduseless.com/2013/11/russian-dating-sites/

    Get with it girlfriend! 😉

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha ha! I’d seen that before – classic! You went into my spam for some reason so I’m just seeing this now – hope you didn’t think I was ignoring you! 😉

  14. 1WriteWay says:

    I love the photo of you … very nice, even with the rather dangerous looking heels. But the idea of you looking for dates online? All I can think to say is, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

  15. linnetmoss says:

    You amaze me! This is the first time I’ve ever heard of a woman being impressed by a fart, but I guess there is something new to be learned every day. You might be interested in Seneca’s essay “Apocolocyntosis,” which tells how the Emperor Claudius was propelled to heaven under his own power (so to speak). Some special bedtime reading!
    The guy on the dating site is hilarious. I like his style, especially the “pirate chic” look he gets from the faux earring. AND your picture is really beautiful.

    • Expat Eye says:

      Aw, thank you so much! It was the devil-may-care leg lift that did it for me really 😉 Can’t win with Latvians – if I reply in Latvian they don’t believe that I’m Irish. If I reply in English, they’re scared off! 🙂

  16. Antuanete says:

    Waiting impatiently to read your reports about online dating… that has to be lots of fun, if you don’t take things too seriously! Oho.lv is not a bad choice, I met my boyfriend there (despite being 10 cm and 10 kg above requirements he had set in his profile!), and his brothers family also began in the same site. So, maybe you will be Linda Bērziņa one day, who knows? 😀

    • Expat Eye says:

      Varbut! And don’t worry, I definitely won’t be taking things too seriously! 🙂 Good to know that there are some success stories though!

  17. astrameklere says:

    Linda, the picture is amazing, but it’s not a tree you are holding! 😀 Mincits is a sweet name for cat (small, lovely cat), often used by lovers, the same as zakitis (bunny). The funniest things in this portal are pictures, one of my friends used to send some over with sugarboys and machos (half naked) that was awesome!

    • Expat Eye says:

      There’s a tree behind the wall 🙂 I’m having a hard time deciphering some of the messages because they use a lot of slang! Plus I can’t google translate because they’re writing in faux Latvian – Jaanis instead of Jānis etc! But I’ll figure it out! I’ve already learned some new words – bilde, skumji, mincits, kaisliga, Iepazīstamies? – it’s very useful for my Latvian skills 🙂 And you’re right – some of the pics are hilarious!

  18. Amazing commitment to blogging! I genuinely can’t wait to hear how this goes!!

  19. bevchen says:

    Oooh, this is going to be fun! You’d better give regular reports.

    Nice boots. Is the tree so you can stand up in them?

  20. lafemmet says:

    Girlfriend, You have gone over the edge. Or maybe just past the tipping point. The white boots and bikini may be completely over the edge. I hope you find a Janis who knows what to do with his Cuban cigar. 😉 Thanks for writing a blog that makes me laugh continually and the comments are like the credits of a movie with hilarious bloopers or movie continuations. Staying put till the credits end on your show is a must! Looking forward to reading about the Expat Eye Adventures in Online Dating! This will be Glorious Blog Fodder!

    • Expat Eye says:

      I truly hope so! Of course I might not get any dates if they read it!!

      You’re right about the comments – half the time they’re funnier than the post! Dammit 😉

  21. Lila says:

    I hope u ll give an accurate description of ur date with a latvian =))
    me myself i find it so freaking hard to find someone online. before i met my bf i had chatted up a few guys online and the dates resulted from them were creepy. btw in russia a lot of men on dating websites are opnely married and looking for a mistress. they say it quite openly in their profiles=) besides some of them are looking ofr very creepy sexual sevices….

    so make sure u check the guy is not married before u hook up with him since that may be true also for the latvians)

  22. Anna says:

    Oh dear, I am holding my stomach laughing from the post AND the comments (thanks for the shout-out, Mike!). That picture of you is SO lovely! Good call on the white boots and leopard bikini – why is it such a popular combination in these parts? I swear I had seen girls posing in that in Moscow parks (OMG those amateur photo sessions – now I know what they’re all for! online dating!). I think it’s time to rename your blog Sex and the Janis. And once you’ve actually had sex with a Janis, we’ll know we’ve lost you to Latvia forever 🙂

    • Expat Eye says:

      Watch this space 😉 On the site, everyone has nicknames obviously so I need to dig deeper and find myself a Janis! 🙂 There’s one guy called Lucifer so I think he’s out! Thanks for the compliment on the pic! Took a while to find one where I didn’t look like a troll. I guess I have to keep wearing those stupid boots now – they’ll be like my red rose when I go to meet guys 😉

  23. kathexpat says:

    Omigoodness, adventure is a-foot! Keep us up to date, please!

  24. Why would you need a dating service when you have dudes pounding down you door all day for dates now?

  25. Gypsy says:

    How exciting! Betcha not every Irish girl can claim to have dated a Latvian online!

  26. Jude says:

    Hahahaha. All of your columns make me snort with laughter, but this one was particularly good. I look forward to the dating diaries section of expat eye

  27. You are a brave brave soul!
    I think it’s a lovely photo of you. These guys don’t know what they’re missing.
    But at the very least this will give you a lot of great “material” for future posts. 🙂

  28. Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

    Who is the dude?

  29. I guess it never would’ve worked out between us then as I love my pink shirts… Good on you for trying to get some Jānis tap though!

  30. Very nice picture! 🙂 I hope you included your amazing cooking (and drinking!) skills in your dating profile! 😉

  31. Zane says:

    It’s like, if there is any possibility to meet the worst guy in Riga in a 5 km radius – you’ll meet him. 🙂 I’ve lived my whole life in Latvia but none of my friends or acquaintances has ever allowed themselves to fart (with putting leg up!?) in front of unknown lady. Idiotic childhood friends can do even worse, but that’s another story. 🙂
    And dating sites are not the worst case. My friend found her love in otrapuse.lv, me myself met my 1,5 year boyfriend on Twitter… Oh this electronic devices and social media generation. 🙂

    • Expat Eye says:

      Nopietni! I can hardly keep up with the messages! Latvian guys are a lot more forward when they’re typing than face to face! 🙂

      I do seem to attract these sorts of guys 😉 Makes for funny stories though! 🙂

      • Zane says:

        But of course. To boost your confidence you usually have two options – stay online and think twice before you type any word and think of the best pick up lines …OR to get drunk and try to get a gal in a bar. For those shy Latvian guys, the more comfortable practice is the first one. 🙂 And then you get a thousand surveys – why Latvian girls love Itaians and Spaniards better than locals, just because Jānis, doesn’t have enough guts to open his mouth. 🙂

      • Expat Eye says:

        So true! Why are they like that?? No Latvian guy has ever called me ‘pussycat’ to my face 😉

        I’m actually chatting (not very fluently) in Latvian – it’s a good learning experience if nothing else!

      • Zane says:

        Definitely would like to know that myself. But I guess it’s just the mentality. That’s why Latvians are Latvians, Italians are Italians and Indians are Indians.
        But one thing I know for sure – if a Latvian man loves someone, he loves from all of his tiny heart. 🙂 The problem is that not always he is capable of showing it.

      • Expat Eye says:

        I hear that! Let’s see how this goes! 🙂

  32. Ah Latvian men. Every girl’s dream 😉

  33. mikemajor9 says:

    Ha-ha! You’re killing me here Linda – is that really what gets a gal’s juices flowing out there in dating-land? Ripping a quality fart complete with leg-lift? Man oh man, I think I may have brought more than a few ladies to orgasm inadvertently over the years if that’s the case! Especially during these periodic “dieting” cycles where my fiber intake is a little higher than usual. And oh you’ve gotta be real careful with those “cigars” – they tend to… erm… explode from time to time 😉

    • Expat Eye says:

      Isn’t that part of the fun?! 😉

      Yeah, seriously – if only I’d been in your life 30-odd years ago. You’d be a mullet-wearing, fart-tastic dude with ladeez hanging off you! 🙂

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Yup, yup, yup – that’s usually the best part… then its the rolling off and almost immediately starting to snore part… oh, how the ladies love that! But Linda – you little tease you – I was really looking forward to seeing you in that leopard print bikini and white boots… though I gotta say – not too damn shabby in those black boots 😉 Look out men of Latvia – Linda’s gonna get ya!

      • Expat Eye says:

        The messages are starting to come in actually! I’ve already got a ‘hello pussycat’ 😉
        I’ll see how things go over the next couple of days and maybe consider a change of photo if necessary. How’s that…? 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        “Hello pussycat” – that – is – awesome. These Latvian dudes are seriously dudes! — Nah, that’s a great shot you’ve got there – save the bikini views for the guy with the nicest cigar. 🙂

      • Expat Eye says:

        🙂 I had to ask my friend what ‘mincits’ meant 😉 A lot of them only speak Latvian/Russian which rules them out – and 400,000 people here are pensioners. That leaves around 4 blokes in the whole country 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        You really should chat with Lara – who’s trials and tribulations with on-line dating are also pretty damn funny – http://intothebeauty.wordpress.com/2013/11/05/an-open-letter-to-the-guys-ive-known-my-whole-life/

      • Expat Eye says:

        I’ll check her out for sure! I’m also really glad I found Aussa through your blog – she’s hilarious! 🙂

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Seriously – she’s a total freakin’ riot – her stories KILL me. Not sure where I originally hooked up with Anna from – your blog I think – but man, she’s top value as well 🙂

      • Expat Eye says:

        Yep, that was me! We were going through a ‘bad man patch’ so I sent her a link to your blog – can’t remember which post exactly – saying ‘sigh, why can’t all men be like this guy?’ 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Ha-ha! Yup, a gassy, middle-aged overweight dude with a massive ego and on-going daddy-issues – I’m a real catch I am! But thank you, thank you very much – I am def going to remind my wife just how damn lucky she is later tonight 😀

      • Expat Eye says:

        Don’t forget to lift your leg while you do it 😉

  34. I’d also be clinging onto a wall if I was perched on that kind of scaffolding…

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