Today I did something that Mammy O’Grady would definitely not approve of. (Among other things) I joined a Latvian dating website. And no, before you jump on the mammy bandwagon, I haven’t completely lost my mind.
You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s only fair. I go on and on about Latvian men on here but the truth is, I’ve never actually been on a date with a Latvian. Booze-fuelled adventures, sure. But a date? Never.
I’d been mulling this over for a couple of weeks – should I/shouldn’t I/have I had that psychotic break and just not realised it yet? Then on Saturday night, the stars aligned and the decision was made for me. I was waiting outside a bar while a couple of Latvian guys chatted a few feet away. Suddenly, one of them let a rather loud fart rip. OK, so anybody can fart… the truly impressive thing was that he actually lifted his leg to do it.
There, I thought to myself, is a man who isn’t afraid to show his manly side. A true bastion of machismo and virility in a world of pink-shirted metrosexuals. I have GOT to get me one of those…
Then I dithered for a few days. If this was indicative of Latvian man (and it very well might be), was a little Irish girl like me really ready for those levels of testosterone? Finally, after increasing my own levels of wine, I decided that I was and signed up to oho.lv.
To be honest, I’m not expecting to get too many suitors. Most of the women on the site put the HO in oho. I had to send my Latvian friend a quick message just to make sure that I hadn’t lost something in translation. I didn’t want to take the chance that I was signing up to a porn star grooming service by mistake.
My German friend (helpfully?) offered to take some ‘tasteful’ pictures of me in a leopard print bikini and white boots to give me a boost in the competition against these lumps of mutton vixens, but I gracefully declined. Instead I opted for a bit of distance with a whole lot of tree. Really, nothing turns a guy on in these parts like a tree. Or walking around amid hundreds of them.
Despite the fact that I’m probably fighting a losing battle, I’ve already picked out a couple of likely candidates. A girl can dream, right? The problem is that Latvian men seem to be incredibly picky. Each profile you click on reveals what the guy is looking for in a girl. It turns out, I’m always either too short, too tall (OK, that hasn’t happened), too heavy, too light, too old, too young, not blond enough, not dark enough, I earn too much, I earn too little, too educated, not educated enough, too ‘Capricorn’… the list goes on.
Anyway, there’s only one man I really want but I don’t dare to dream that he could ever want a girl like me.
So, for now, I’ll have to settle for lovingly stroking his rather large, um, cigar, through my laptop screen… Sigh.
Ooh, hang on, I’ve got mail! Jānis? Jānis? Is that you??
Be careful with guys using words like “mincītis”. Mincītis is not only a sweet, endearing term, but it also means “pussy” in Latvian slang. The guy might be slipping you innuendoes about sex. As someone who’s been on oho, – don’t get your hopes up too high, as many of those guys are there only looking for casual sex, a lot of married guys looking for flings, too. And Latvian men have very high standards – I could write a book about it, but let’s just leave it at that.
You should definitely write THAT book 😉
Ah, a fellow Capricorn. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
This is flipping hilarious. I die.
Ha ha, the real-life experience isn’t so funny! Just sex, sex, sex – requests for it I mean, not actual sex! 🙂 I’ll be doing a follow-up post later in the week – when I can figure out a ‘polite’ way of wording it!!! Linda.
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THIS. IS. AWESOME. I can’t wait to hear how this all turns out! You must include photos in the updates!!
Kind of tired of it already! I went out for the day yesterday and now I have 38 messages to get through – time suck!
OH MY GOSH. I cannot wait to hear how all of turns out. One must always ingest several glasses of wine before joining an online dating site– no matter the country. Seriously I could squeal just waiting to hear more stories about this.
I was going to say that I’d like to hear you squeal but it sounds a bit weird – even to me, even after around 10 pints and a power nap that really just turned into a sleep 😉
Hahahahahaha giiiiiiiirl you can hear me squeal anytime 😉
Dirty bitch 😉 Turns out everyone on the dating website is either married or looks like Uncle Fester… 😉
Whaaaaat…. married?! Don’t they know those Latvian women will tear them to shreds??
Or tear me to shreds 😉
Haha oh– valid point there.
Being torn apart by a Latvian woman is nobody’s idea of a good time 😉
I genuinely can’t wait to hear how your first date with Janis (any Janis will do) goes. And, by the sounds of it, a post just listing all the replies to your ad (?) will make superb reading 😉
YES YES YES. Seconded and thirded!
🙂 Patience 😉
I might do that next weekend – it’s been very, um, interesting, so far!! 🙂
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The photo turned out great! Good luck! I totally thought about doing this after my break up in Germany and then realized I’d have no idea where to start. Plus, I was far too nervous, so go girl!
I think it was a bad idea – the only guy I’ve enjoyed chatting to so far turns out to be married. Yes, a married guy on a dating site – welcome to LV! 🙂
yeah thats what i was talking about….. the worst thing is they even publish their photos…. its like they absolutely dont care about how their wives would feel
If they don’t have a photo up, it’s a pretty safe bet that they are married.
I can see the future already. Linda O’Gradija-Berzina slaves over a hot stove, fretting about whether the zirni and biezpiens cakes will be ready in time for her Janis to come home. Don’t get too carried away and threaten to do what my mum did! http://www.irishcentral.com/news/Irish-woman-prepares-to-marry-an-American-man-shes-only-met-online-167162865.html
Hmm, yeah, I can’t see myself going that mad! I do like the name though – catchy 😉
I’m so excited!! I can hardly wait for the first (or second or third) date to happen!
Ha ha! You’re assuming someone will want to ask me out!
That’s a lovely picture of you!! You never now how this dating thing will go… it could be the start of something beautiful!!
Huh, just got called ‘vain’ by some guy because I didn’t reply to him within a time period he was happy with 😉 I’ll scratch him off the list 😉
Oh, yummy, you are so dreamy! LOL
Me or him?! 🙂
You’re never going to get a man from up there with that photo, so I’m sending you this link for inspiration:
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2013/11/russian-dating-sites/
Get with it girlfriend! 😉
Ha ha! I’d seen that before – classic! You went into my spam for some reason so I’m just seeing this now – hope you didn’t think I was ignoring you! 😉
I love the photo of you … very nice, even with the rather dangerous looking heels. But the idea of you looking for dates online? All I can think to say is, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
You jumped on the mammy bandwagon 😉
And I bet the bandwagon is pretty crowded 😉
Most people seem perfectly happy to send me off to my doom 😉 Could be another horror story for you!
Headline: Tiny Irish Woman in Stiletto Heels Attacked and Killed by Giant Latvian Penis.
Now we’re really in fantasy land 😉 Giant Latvian penis… 🙂
Ha ha! Have you checked your email yet? I sent my version of the story and good news is that you weren’t killed 🙂
Oh my god, I am crying with laughter! 🙂 I LOVE IT!
Good. It will go live tomorrow AM (that’s my Sunday, Nov. 10 @ 6 AM or thereabouts). You’ll get a couple of pingbacks 🙂
Hurrah! 🙂 You have no idea how much I love it 😉 You’re such a great writer – proud to provide the inspiration for a post!
You are so kind 🙂 And you are indeed an inspiration in many ways (all of them good too!).
You say the sweetest thing! 🙂
You amaze me! This is the first time I’ve ever heard of a woman being impressed by a fart, but I guess there is something new to be learned every day. You might be interested in Seneca’s essay “Apocolocyntosis,” which tells how the Emperor Claudius was propelled to heaven under his own power (so to speak). Some special bedtime reading!
The guy on the dating site is hilarious. I like his style, especially the “pirate chic” look he gets from the faux earring. AND your picture is really beautiful.
Aw, thank you so much! It was the devil-may-care leg lift that did it for me really 😉 Can’t win with Latvians – if I reply in Latvian they don’t believe that I’m Irish. If I reply in English, they’re scared off! 🙂
Why is the English language scary? Have they been terrorized by sexually voracious, ball-shriveling English speaking femmes fatales?
Ha, possibly! We do get some hen nights here as well 😉 And I may have inadvertently scared a few over the last 3 years!
Waiting impatiently to read your reports about online dating… that has to be lots of fun, if you don’t take things too seriously! Oho.lv is not a bad choice, I met my boyfriend there (despite being 10 cm and 10 kg above requirements he had set in his profile!), and his brothers family also began in the same site. So, maybe you will be Linda Bērziņa one day, who knows? 😀
Varbut! And don’t worry, I definitely won’t be taking things too seriously! 🙂 Good to know that there are some success stories though!
Linda, the picture is amazing, but it’s not a tree you are holding! 😀 Mincits is a sweet name for cat (small, lovely cat), often used by lovers, the same as zakitis (bunny). The funniest things in this portal are pictures, one of my friends used to send some over with sugarboys and machos (half naked) that was awesome!
There’s a tree behind the wall 🙂 I’m having a hard time deciphering some of the messages because they use a lot of slang! Plus I can’t google translate because they’re writing in faux Latvian – Jaanis instead of Jānis etc! But I’ll figure it out! I’ve already learned some new words – bilde, skumji, mincits, kaisliga, Iepazīstamies? – it’s very useful for my Latvian skills 🙂 And you’re right – some of the pics are hilarious!
Amazing commitment to blogging! I genuinely can’t wait to hear how this goes!!
Ha ha, there are sure to be some stories! If anyone wants to go out with me of course! 🙂
Oooh, this is going to be fun! You’d better give regular reports.
Nice boots. Is the tree so you can stand up in them?
Pretty much! I was explaining to LOTC that they’re pretty tame by local standards but she’s unconvinced 😉
Girlfriend, You have gone over the edge. Or maybe just past the tipping point. The white boots and bikini may be completely over the edge. I hope you find a Janis who knows what to do with his Cuban cigar. 😉 Thanks for writing a blog that makes me laugh continually and the comments are like the credits of a movie with hilarious bloopers or movie continuations. Staying put till the credits end on your show is a must! Looking forward to reading about the Expat Eye Adventures in Online Dating! This will be Glorious Blog Fodder!
I truly hope so! Of course I might not get any dates if they read it!!
You’re right about the comments – half the time they’re funnier than the post! Dammit 😉
I hope u ll give an accurate description of ur date with a latvian =))
me myself i find it so freaking hard to find someone online. before i met my bf i had chatted up a few guys online and the dates resulted from them were creepy. btw in russia a lot of men on dating websites are opnely married and looking for a mistress. they say it quite openly in their profiles=) besides some of them are looking ofr very creepy sexual sevices….
so make sure u check the guy is not married before u hook up with him since that may be true also for the latvians)
Why would I write an inaccurate report???
And no, no dudes with wives, crazy ex-wives or kids need apply!
Oh dear, I am holding my stomach laughing from the post AND the comments (thanks for the shout-out, Mike!). That picture of you is SO lovely! Good call on the white boots and leopard bikini – why is it such a popular combination in these parts? I swear I had seen girls posing in that in Moscow parks (OMG those amateur photo sessions – now I know what they’re all for! online dating!). I think it’s time to rename your blog Sex and the Janis. And once you’ve actually had sex with a Janis, we’ll know we’ve lost you to Latvia forever 🙂
Watch this space 😉 On the site, everyone has nicknames obviously so I need to dig deeper and find myself a Janis! 🙂 There’s one guy called Lucifer so I think he’s out! Thanks for the compliment on the pic! Took a while to find one where I didn’t look like a troll. I guess I have to keep wearing those stupid boots now – they’ll be like my red rose when I go to meet guys 😉
Lol, I guess so. I mean, if you wear any leopard, you’ll just blend in…
And white boots – they’d never spot me in the crowd!
Omigoodness, adventure is a-foot! Keep us up to date, please!
Ah, so all I had to do was join a Latvian dating site to get you back online! 🙂 Now I know!
Why would you need a dating service when you have dudes pounding down you door all day for dates now?
Yeah, the cake baking thing didn’t quite have the desired effect. My door might fall down by itself though. It is Latvia 😉
If your are good at Funfetti Cake, I’m on board.
I don’t know what that is! Damn my one chance to make you less bitter and I blew it!
I think if you google it you might be able to find it. Google is good at figuring stuff out like that. 🙂
Oh my god, I made you use a smiley face!!!
I accidently typed that upside down. You know I would never do that on purpose.
I’m not so sure any more! 🙂
Easy now.
How exciting! Betcha not every Irish girl can claim to have dated a Latvian online!
Most of them probably have more sense! 🙂
Hahahaha. All of your columns make me snort with laughter, but this one was particularly good. I look forward to the dating diaries section of expat eye
You say that about all the posts 😉 Keep it up 😉
You are a brave brave soul!
I think it’s a lovely photo of you. These guys don’t know what they’re missing.
But at the very least this will give you a lot of great “material” for future posts. 🙂
Blog fodder is the main goal! 🙂 Although, 28 messages so far so you never know!
Who is the dude?
It’s a real dating profile pic of a Latvian guy. He’s my new hero 😉
He’s pretty fly for a Latvian guy!
I thought so! 🙂 I hope to be Mrs Cigar-Smoking Pirate some day…
I just introduced you to Janis on twitter!
Ak dievs! Maybe he’s the one! 🙂 Will get on it!
I just freed my friend @jsmlynch from “Twitter Jail” and blogged about it! Yay me!
Alakska Diva to you!
I guess it never would’ve worked out between us then as I love my pink shirts… Good on you for trying to get some Jānis tap though!
Don’t be silly Sean. You’d be shirtless most of the time 😉
Very nice picture! 🙂 I hope you included your amazing cooking (and drinking!) skills in your dating profile! 😉
I’m still working on how to say everything in Latvian 😉 A lot of it is blank at the moment! It’s not stopping guys from sending me messages though!
Showing some cleavage is enough communication!
Men. Sigh. 😉
It’s like, if there is any possibility to meet the worst guy in Riga in a 5 km radius – you’ll meet him. 🙂 I’ve lived my whole life in Latvia but none of my friends or acquaintances has ever allowed themselves to fart (with putting leg up!?) in front of unknown lady. Idiotic childhood friends can do even worse, but that’s another story. 🙂
And dating sites are not the worst case. My friend found her love in otrapuse.lv, me myself met my 1,5 year boyfriend on Twitter… Oh this electronic devices and social media generation. 🙂
Nopietni! I can hardly keep up with the messages! Latvian guys are a lot more forward when they’re typing than face to face! 🙂
I do seem to attract these sorts of guys 😉 Makes for funny stories though! 🙂
But of course. To boost your confidence you usually have two options – stay online and think twice before you type any word and think of the best pick up lines …OR to get drunk and try to get a gal in a bar. For those shy Latvian guys, the more comfortable practice is the first one. 🙂 And then you get a thousand surveys – why Latvian girls love Itaians and Spaniards better than locals, just because Jānis, doesn’t have enough guts to open his mouth. 🙂
So true! Why are they like that?? No Latvian guy has ever called me ‘pussycat’ to my face 😉
I’m actually chatting (not very fluently) in Latvian – it’s a good learning experience if nothing else!
Definitely would like to know that myself. But I guess it’s just the mentality. That’s why Latvians are Latvians, Italians are Italians and Indians are Indians.
But one thing I know for sure – if a Latvian man loves someone, he loves from all of his tiny heart. 🙂 The problem is that not always he is capable of showing it.
I hear that! Let’s see how this goes! 🙂
Ah Latvian men. Every girl’s dream 😉
I knew you’d think so. Janis and Jhanis – match made in heaven! 🙂
Ha-ha! You’re killing me here Linda – is that really what gets a gal’s juices flowing out there in dating-land? Ripping a quality fart complete with leg-lift? Man oh man, I think I may have brought more than a few ladies to orgasm inadvertently over the years if that’s the case! Especially during these periodic “dieting” cycles where my fiber intake is a little higher than usual. And oh you’ve gotta be real careful with those “cigars” – they tend to… erm… explode from time to time 😉
Isn’t that part of the fun?! 😉
Yeah, seriously – if only I’d been in your life 30-odd years ago. You’d be a mullet-wearing, fart-tastic dude with ladeez hanging off you! 🙂
Yup, yup, yup – that’s usually the best part… then its the rolling off and almost immediately starting to snore part… oh, how the ladies love that! But Linda – you little tease you – I was really looking forward to seeing you in that leopard print bikini and white boots… though I gotta say – not too damn shabby in those black boots 😉 Look out men of Latvia – Linda’s gonna get ya!
The messages are starting to come in actually! I’ve already got a ‘hello pussycat’ 😉
I’ll see how things go over the next couple of days and maybe consider a change of photo if necessary. How’s that…? 😉
“Hello pussycat” – that – is – awesome. These Latvian dudes are seriously dudes! — Nah, that’s a great shot you’ve got there – save the bikini views for the guy with the nicest cigar. 🙂
🙂 I had to ask my friend what ‘mincits’ meant 😉 A lot of them only speak Latvian/Russian which rules them out – and 400,000 people here are pensioners. That leaves around 4 blokes in the whole country 😉
You really should chat with Lara – who’s trials and tribulations with on-line dating are also pretty damn funny – http://intothebeauty.wordpress.com/2013/11/05/an-open-letter-to-the-guys-ive-known-my-whole-life/
I’ll check her out for sure! I’m also really glad I found Aussa through your blog – she’s hilarious! 🙂
Seriously – she’s a total freakin’ riot – her stories KILL me. Not sure where I originally hooked up with Anna from – your blog I think – but man, she’s top value as well 🙂
Yep, that was me! We were going through a ‘bad man patch’ so I sent her a link to your blog – can’t remember which post exactly – saying ‘sigh, why can’t all men be like this guy?’ 😉
Ha-ha! Yup, a gassy, middle-aged overweight dude with a massive ego and on-going daddy-issues – I’m a real catch I am! But thank you, thank you very much – I am def going to remind my wife just how damn lucky she is later tonight 😀
Don’t forget to lift your leg while you do it 😉
I’d also be clinging onto a wall if I was perched on that kind of scaffolding…
Ha ha, that’s exactly it! Naturally I bought those boots here! They’re pretty tame actually!
Yes, you’d need an import/export license for those!
What?! There are no spikes, no leopard, no gold or silver, no crocodile, no lace – they’re tame, I tells ya! 🙂
I guess the first time you shoot a metal bolt through a cow’s head it’s a tad traumatic. After a couple of weeks of working in an abattoir, it seems like a normal thing. It’s called desensitisation, I think.
Do you think maybe I’ve been here too long?? Crap, cos I’ve just got a new boyfriend. This online dating thing works fast! 🙂
Just make sure you get pregnant on the first date! Or maybe even before…
I’m pregnant already – just by sending a couple of messages. That’s how we roll in the Baltics 😉
Do you get a discount if you do the wedding and the divorce all in 24 hours? Would save on the admin.
Very true. I’ll look into it. I’ll see if any of my new beaux know anything about the legal system. Fighting ’em off at the moment 😉 This is great haha!
the less they know, the better, I think. That goes especially for your blog’s URL.
Well, if I was going to meet any of them, I’d have to give them a heads up on that I think! Only fair!
Just head will be enough, I should think.
OUCH
Yup. If you want to keep ALL of them happy… and, more importantly, avoid the blog conversation. (Or any conversation).
Love me, love my blog 😉
I do 🙂
Just had a guy ask if I’m rich – there’s another expat thing for you!
Yes, I just work for fun. And that rented apartment… just so I don’t wear out my mansion.
Now I just need to learn how to say that in Latvian 😉
Just look through your search hits. It’ll be in there somewhere.
🙂 Everyone was just searching for ‘sausage’ today! 🙂