From your sofa, no one can hear you scream

I’m sure many women join an online dating site hoping that behind every cute nickname, every sweet message, Mr Right will be waiting. But because a) I live in Latvia which means that b) the vast majority of men are Latvian, I was just hoping to meet Mr Alright for Now or Mr Maybe 65% Right in the Head.

To be honest, I wasn’t really expecting that many guys to get in touch with me at all. My Latvian language skills are questionable at best and my profile picture was really very sedate in comparison to most of the ‘ladies of the night’ on there. So when the first messages started coming in, I was, I admit, a little excited.

I was very polite, read all of them, sent a message back in whatever language they’d messaged me… but then the messages kept coming, and coming, and coming. The site only allows you to keep 100 messages at a time so I was deleting messages, forgetting who I’d messaged, forgetting what they’d messaged me, answering the same questions over and over again, getting repetitive strain injury from clicking from oHO to Google Translate and back again. It was overwhelming.

Clearly, I needed a better system. I started to get ruthless. Messages from the following were instantly deleted:

  • anyone with forest in their nickname
  • tubby Russians in tracksuits – clearly the only thing he’d ever done in that tracksuit was lie on his sofa
  • anyone wearing a silver suit and holding wellies
  • anyone with tractor in their nickname – and no, spelling it in the Latvian way with a ‘k’ doesn’t make it any more exotic or sexy
  • anyone wearing a ‘crazy’ wig – no, it does not give you personality
  • anyone with no photo – let’s face it, you’re married, aren’t you?
  • anyone who thinks this – πŸ˜‰ – is a conversation starter. It isn’t. Delete.
  • any LATVIAN who asked ‘But why Latvia?’ more than 3 times in as many minutes. Seriously, if a Latvian can’t understand why I live here, how can I expect anyone else to?
  • anyone who said β€˜1.54m? Seriously?’
  • anyone who is 19 or 83.

So there were some guys on there who weren’t exactly what you would call ‘keepers’. I expected that. What I didn’t expect was just how forward Latvian guys could be. Given that it takes them around 3 weeks to look you in the eye when you meet them in person, the number of horny little devils out there kind of took me by surprise. And, like I said, I had chosen not to go down the Latvian style route…

Casual-wear in Riga

Casual day-wear in Riga

…so it was all the more bizarre when I got messages like:



“Regular sex?”

“Perhaps a sweet gentle intimacy?”

And one of my favourites:

Horny dude: Are you a hot woman?

Me: I dunno. You can see my picture. You tell me.

Horny dude: I can see but I have to taste you to be sure.Β 


However, the All-time Loser Award goes not to a Latvian, but to an Italian who lives here. Picture this guy..

Pauly D

Pauly D

Pauly: Do you like muscle big n*****s?

Me: What? I have a serious problem with that word.Β 

Pauly: Sorry, do you like big muscle black guys?

Me: You’re not black.Β 

Pauly: No, but I have some black friends here. (God knows where he found a bunch of black guys in Latvia) Would you like to have group sex with me and my black friends?

Me: Not so much. Good luck finding someone.Β 

Thinking that that was the end of it, I deleted him and promptly forgot his nickname. I opened up my inbox the next morning to a ‘hello’, a ‘winky smiley’ and a picture of a naked black guy spreadeagled in an armchair, with his rather sizable manhood on display in all its glory.

Now why this guy thought I would like a picture of this is one thing, why he has a stash of pictures like this is another. It seems that he has a much bigger hard-on for black guys than I do. So, what would have been my role in this group sex shindig? Camerawoman? Did he just contact me because I was the smallest person he could find, perhaps thinking that I could get shots from angles that other people couldn’t? Who knows. I hope I never find out.

But it’s not all doom, gloom and dick pics. A couple of guys have made it past the cull and into what might become ‘busy-cafe-in-daylight-territory’. So watch this space – will I find the one Jānis to rule them all???

About BerLinda

Adjusting to life in Germany, after living in Latvia for four years. Should be easy, right?
This entry was posted in Expat, Humor, Humour, Janis, Latvian men, Love and Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

100 Responses to From your sofa, no one can hear you scream

  1. LOL! I’ve certainly had some interesting dates from men I’ve met on dating sites. One guy took me out to dinner, he was all suave and sexy and just as the main was about to arrive he asked me if I’d like to have sex with him and his wife! You’re wife?!! He didn’t tell me in the billion emails be had before the meeting that he was married. I left the restaurant, yes, left.

    • Lila says:

      it could be worse … he could have asked u to have sex with him and his husband…. and a few of his black friends

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha ha, I might have stuck around for dinner. Or at least taken the wine with me πŸ˜‰ At least they seem pretty upfront about it all here – yeah, I’m married, here’s a picture of my penis, sleep with me? πŸ™‚

  2. Anastasia Pi says:

    I was seriously puzzled by how locals treat anything connected to dating websites. Even my lovely very intelligent friends look at me in disbelieve when I’m saying I’m registered on one, like I’m openly admitting being into some weird sexual perversions πŸ™‚

    When I had a very nice experience win POF back in the UK! I found a few good friends through it. I even had several very promising dates as a result. Shame it ended up with nothing as I had to move back to Latvia. Thinking that I really could do with new friends here I registered on topface. That was a shocker! The tracksuits, the tractors and chubbiness – all true. Plus loads of totally inappropriate suggestions and about zero efforts to keep up a decent conversation.

    I think I’m officially giving up on the idea πŸ™‚

    • Expat Eye says:

      I’m right behind you πŸ˜‰ I’ll give it another week or so and see what happens. Get my 4.50 lats worth πŸ˜‰ It’s far more common in the UK and Ireland I think. It’s all a bit new here! But a very interesting experiment! πŸ™‚

      • Anastasia Pi says:

        Having said that, otrapuse website was quite good. Less of the Central Market crowd, more of the mid class mid 30’s type of people. Good concentration of nice Latvian chaps (or at least they look nice πŸ˜‰ )…

      • Expat Eye says:

        It’s only when they start messaging that you see the dark side πŸ˜‰ Yeah, people have told me that oho is actually not that great! Maybe I’ll try otrapuse next – maybe. πŸ˜‰

  3. Wow. Just wow. I’m a little scared. πŸ˜‰

  4. barbedwords says:

    I really want to know if any ‘lady’ on the dating site has ever answered ‘Why yes, thank you. I’d love to pop over to your place for a steamy, inter-racial three way. I was really worried about getting replies from men who just wanted a nice cup of coffee and a chat. Thank god you answered my prayers!’

  5. mmarinaa says:

    Good luck, good luck!

  6. acecb says:

    Wow. That Latvian dating scene is a lot more exciting than I would have thought. πŸ˜‰

  7. 1WriteWay says:

    Oh, my dear! I’m just glad you are screening these dudes! Definitely only meet them in daylight, preferably with some trusted friends nearby to run to your aid if necessary. Yes, I’m being a mother hen (and an odd one at that considering the “news article” I posted about you and a giant … thingy) but I can still enjoy your posts of the craziness of online dating πŸ™‚

  8. For the record, us married folk aren’t on eHarmony without photos. We have our own site over at Ashley Madison. It’s a little more moral there.

  9. pollyheath says:

    Magical! Though somehow everything you described is kind of my impression of dating online ANYWHERE, not just in Latvia. Maybe you need to start traveling around the world, working your way through one local dating site at a time.

    I’d read that blog.

  10. M.E. Evans says:

    What!? How could you turn down the chance to be involved in group sex with a bunch of strangers? That doesn’t sound dangerous or anything. You totally, probably, wouldn’t even die for a weird snuff film they were making for pornhub. Ugh. Dudes are weird. However, I died laughing when I read this. I’ve had other friends encounter the “weird due with a fetish for girls having sex with their black friends.” No joke. I call it, “closet homosexuality and undeniable chocolate love.”

  11. Karolyn Cooper says:

    My latest post appeared immediately in the reader, no problem, but then mine was about charity admin, and wasn’t tagged “gang bang”. Do you think WP were checking the content of your post first?!

  12. linnetmoss says:

    Yes, the internet has revealed how horndoggy men really are. As if we needed any confirmation. The picture of Pauly D (even apart from his appalling messages) made me wonder: what kind of woman would actually find him attractive???? The photo looks like a screen cap from a documentary about Cretinous Young Jackasses.
    I vote for Mr. “sweet gentle intimacy.” At least he sounds civilized.

  13. Whoooooahhh what a bunch of loony toons. Seriously, people in the world are f**ked up. I am applaud you for giving it a go AND not running a mile when you got those messages. There must be at least one decent guy in that bunch to have a coffee with.

  14. Jude says:

    Whoa, you have another Toronto reader? And our idiotic “mayor” made the news over in Latvia?!

  15. Jude says:

    Omg! I’m laughing but not in the haha way. When the internet walls go up, seemingly all sense of manners and common decency go down! C’mon Janis, where are ye?

  16. Expat Eye says:

    Reblogged this on Expat Eye on Latvia and commented:

    Reblogging my latest post as it didn’t show up in Reader the first time round!

  17. Lila says:

    and imagine these crazy dudes who wrote u are regular guys u meet everyday, they may be ur co-workers, students, people who sell u groceries. but when they go online they reveal their true self. before dating websites i never knew how many freaks there are out there. freaks who surround us by the way. my worst suggestions when trying online dating were from men who wanted me to lick their balls in a car or men who wanted to pay me 500 usd for licking my ass. and i published the most modest photo imaginable!!!! and said in my profile i was looking for friends!!!! its a scary, scary world outside

    but really if u do manage to hook up with someone semi normal in a cafe im sure ull find out that latvian men arent as bad as u thought they were.

  18. Phew. Now I get the Sweden reference. I was stranded outside of the loop there for a whole day, thanks to the Reader. Did I mention before how much I hate the new Reader?!?
    Pauley D needs to be on μΌλ³Έκ²Œμ΄ν…€λΈ”λŸ¬ for a bit of variety, methinks…

  19. bevchen says:

    Sweet, gentle intimacy? Taste you first? Hahahahaa! I KNEW this was going to be good πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

    • Expat Eye says:

      Who knew Latvians could be so poetic!? Well, the ‘sweet gentle intimacy’ guy NOT the ‘taste you’ guy. I think he’s given up – no messages this morning! πŸ˜‰

  20. i just stumbled onto your blog and after reading this post im really glad i did! boys will be boys! i just dont get it, dont they know the word “no”? howeverrrr, they sure do make for excellent blog posts! hahaha

  21. Anna says:

    OOOOH dear. Trying to come up with a witty comment, my mind is stuck on variations of ‘You’re taking one for the team [research], from a team [interracial gang-bang].’ Sorry, I just woke up…
    And Linda in Lust is a great alternative to Sex & the Latvians!

  22. nancytex2013 says:

    This post makes my life on so many levels. Brilliant! I’m sorry to take so much joy in your painful online dating experience – but it makes for hilarious reading!

  23. Mr Kev says:

    I love that, in general, women see “dating” sites as just that. A place where you meet someone and, perhaps, go on a date with them, while a lot of men seem to think that “dating” is a codeword for “place where you meet strangers and have sex without any of that awkward knowing eachother/speaking/paying for their drink. I mean, there’s flirting and there’s inviting a stranger to a gang bang. As a man – and a man who has used internet dating before – I find this absolutely bewildering. I’m guessing there was no tick in the “interracial group sex” box on your interests page, right?

    • Expat Eye says:

      It’s Latvia! Interracial doesn’t even come into it! πŸ™‚ Yeah, I think the man-woman divide here could be too great πŸ˜‰ Although… πŸ˜‰

  24. mikemajor9 says:

    β€œPerhaps a sweet gentle intimacy?” — LOVE that. These Latvians dudes are hella suave! I think you totally called it on that last wanker — he’s got some issues he may not have fully… erm… dealt with yet. All that said — very, very, VERY glad to hear that there are a few (potentially) good men in-country. I really look forward to reading about Linda in love… πŸ™‚ — Gotta go run the kids around to some stuff right now – but couldn’t resist reading this straight away! Cheers for the moment πŸ™‚

    • Expat Eye says:

      Anytime daddy-o! πŸ™‚ Have fun with the kids!

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Thanks! Yeah, just one of those nights of several activities going on — but – ha! sure, a Linda in lust post will do just fine — means you’re having some fun and are happy so that’ll be cooool. So long as we’re not talking about The Group Sex Maniac Who’s Actually Totally Gay. πŸ™‚

      • Expat Eye says:

        Um no, I think I’ll give him a big ol’ miss πŸ˜‰ Cripes. But hey, at least you now have a new image of me – you can forget about my pants and move on to leather πŸ˜‰

      • mikemajor9 says:

        …or of course you in leather pants πŸ˜‰ — Ha-ha! Couldn’t resist that one either. I’m a sad little man πŸ™‚

      • Expat Eye says:

        It’s OK. I still like you πŸ˜‰

      • mikemajor9 says:

        And speaking of “pants” — the diff between that word in Canada and in the UK I mean — when we were living there my wife told some dude, right in the middle of the office, to “Kiss her…(she was going to say ass, but changed it on the fly to the more acceptable in Canada word for bum) fanny.” When the entire office went mental – they then explained to her what that word meant in London. A red-face very much ensued I’m told πŸ™‚

      • Expat Eye says:

        Yeah, I do laugh way too much every time one of you guys says ‘fanny pack’ instead of ‘bum bag’ πŸ˜‰

      • Expat Eye says:

        Oh, and if I’m a bit quiet for the next few days, it’s because I’m doing some field research on Svens vs Janises in Sweden πŸ˜‰ The things I do for science…

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Excellent – I never actually made it to Sweden in my European travels – but i understand its pretty nice. Have a great time πŸ™‚

      • Expat Eye says:

        I will. And I’ll behave. Well, by my standards anyway πŸ˜‰

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Absolutely DO NOT behave! Blogdaddy’s orders πŸ™‚ – Seriously, have a riot – you’ve been sick and working your butt off – you def deserve it.

      • Expat Eye says:

        Duly noted! My friend has already got the wine in so I’ll be well taken care of πŸ˜‰

      • mikemajor9 says:

        *sniff* I am gonna miss ya though 😦

      • Expat Eye says:

        Awww, don’t worry, I’ll be back in a couple of days! I haven’t done anything to piss Sweden off so I should be much safer there πŸ˜‰

        And you’ve got your work cut out for you anyway – woke up to Toronto in the news again for far less entertaining reasons – have you ever thought of changing from Major to Mayor and taking out the trash???

      • mikemajor9 says:

        I guess I can survive for a few days… if I must πŸ™‚ — No, seriously, hope you have a great time. I’m sure you will.

        Oh man, I know…. it just keeps going from bad to worse… there’s literally no way to oust him and he just won’t go. That said, the provincial government is now at least considering creating some “special rules” to get him out to help save the city from collapse as the municipal govt is now in utter chaos. – The man talked about eating his wife’s pussy during a press conference… I mean… for fuck’s sake.

      • Expat Eye says:

        I was talking about the child porn scandal but wow! He’s the mayor that just keeps giving!! πŸ˜‰ Can’t believe you said the p word… πŸ˜‰ Cripes πŸ˜›

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Ha-ha! Yeah, I guess, if the word is good enough for our esteemed mayor… pfffffft! Sorry for the “salty” language though… this guy just… arrrrrggghhhh!. As to the child porn scandal… that’s just beyond… man… I can’t even think about that stuff. Can’t believe the hit our fair city is taking right now. We’re really not all scumbags… I don’t think at least πŸ™‚

      • Expat Eye says:

        Salty. You’re so funny πŸ˜‰

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Ha-ha! More like… lame πŸ™‚

      • Expat Eye says:

        Well, I didn’t like to say… πŸ˜‰

    • Expat Eye says:

      You might be waiting for a Linda in Love post though πŸ˜‰ Linda in Lust maybe πŸ˜‰

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