I’m sure many women join an online dating site hoping that behind every cute nickname, every sweet message, Mr Right will be waiting. But because a) I live in Latvia which means that b) the vast majority of men are Latvian, I was just hoping to meet Mr Alright for Now or Mr Maybe 65% Right in the Head.
To be honest, I wasn’t really expecting that many guys to get in touch with me at all. My Latvian language skills are questionable at best and my profile picture was really very sedate in comparison to most of the ‘ladies
of the night’ on there. So when the first messages started coming in, I was, I admit, a little excited.
I was very polite, read all of them, sent a message back in whatever language they’d messaged me… but then the messages kept coming, and coming, and coming. The site only allows you to keep 100 messages at a time so I was deleting messages, forgetting who I’d messaged, forgetting what they’d messaged me, answering the same questions over and over again, getting repetitive strain injury from clicking from oHO to Google Translate and back again. It was overwhelming.
Clearly, I needed a better system. I started to get ruthless. Messages from the following were instantly deleted:
- anyone with forest in their nickname
- tubby Russians in tracksuits – clearly the only thing he’d ever done in that tracksuit was lie on his sofa
- anyone wearing a silver suit and holding wellies
- anyone with tractor in their nickname – and no, spelling it in the Latvian way with a ‘k’ doesn’t make it any more exotic or sexy
- anyone wearing a ‘crazy’ wig – no, it does not give you personality
- anyone with no photo – let’s face it, you’re married, aren’t you?
- anyone who thinks this – 😉 – is a conversation starter. It isn’t. Delete.
- any LATVIAN who asked ‘But why Latvia?’ more than 3 times in as many minutes. Seriously, if a Latvian can’t understand why I live here, how can I expect anyone else to?
- anyone who said ‘1.54m? Seriously?’
- anyone who is 19 or 83.
So there were some guys on there who weren’t exactly what you would call ‘keepers’. I expected that. What I didn’t expect was just how forward Latvian guys could be. Given that it takes them around 3 weeks to look you in the eye when you meet them in person, the number of horny little devils out there kind of took me by surprise. And, like I said, I had chosen not to go down the Latvian style route…
…so it was all the more bizarre when I got messages like:
“Perhaps a sweet gentle intimacy?”
And one of my favourites:
Horny dude: Are you a hot woman?
Me: I dunno. You can see my picture. You tell me.
Horny dude: I can see but I have to taste you to be sure.
However, the All-time Loser Award goes not to a Latvian, but to an Italian who lives here. Picture this guy..
Pauly: Do you like muscle big n*****s?
Me: What? I have a serious problem with that word.
Pauly: Sorry, do you like big muscle black guys?
Me: You’re not black.
Pauly: No, but I have some black friends here. (God knows where he found a bunch of black guys in Latvia) Would you like to have group sex with me and my black friends?
Me: Not so much. Good luck finding someone.
Thinking that that was the end of it, I deleted him and promptly forgot his nickname. I opened up my inbox the next morning to a ‘hello’, a ‘winky smiley’ and a picture of a naked black guy spreadeagled in an armchair, with his rather sizable manhood on display in all its glory.
Now why this guy thought I would like a picture of this is one thing, why he has a stash of pictures like this is another. It seems that he has a much bigger hard-on for black guys than I do. So, what would have been my role in this group sex shindig? Camerawoman? Did he just contact me because I was the smallest person he could find, perhaps thinking that I could get shots from angles that other people couldn’t? Who knows. I hope I never find out.
But it’s not all doom, gloom and dick pics. A couple of guys have made it past the cull and into what might become ‘busy-cafe-in-daylight-territory’. So watch this space – will I find the one Jānis to rule them all???
LOL! I’ve certainly had some interesting dates from men I’ve met on dating sites. One guy took me out to dinner, he was all suave and sexy and just as the main was about to arrive he asked me if I’d like to have sex with him and his wife! You’re wife?!! He didn’t tell me in the billion emails be had before the meeting that he was married. I left the restaurant, yes, left.
it could be worse … he could have asked u to have sex with him and his husband…. and a few of his black friends
It’s like a game – how many ways can you scrape the bottom of the barrel 😉
Ha ha, I might have stuck around for dinner. Or at least taken the wine with me 😉 At least they seem pretty upfront about it all here – yeah, I’m married, here’s a picture of my penis, sleep with me? 🙂
I was seriously puzzled by how locals treat anything connected to dating websites. Even my lovely very intelligent friends look at me in disbelieve when I’m saying I’m registered on one, like I’m openly admitting being into some weird sexual perversions 🙂
When I had a very nice experience win POF back in the UK! I found a few good friends through it. I even had several very promising dates as a result. Shame it ended up with nothing as I had to move back to Latvia. Thinking that I really could do with new friends here I registered on topface. That was a shocker! The tracksuits, the tractors and chubbiness – all true. Plus loads of totally inappropriate suggestions and about zero efforts to keep up a decent conversation.
I think I’m officially giving up on the idea 🙂
I’m right behind you 😉 I’ll give it another week or so and see what happens. Get my 4.50 lats worth 😉 It’s far more common in the UK and Ireland I think. It’s all a bit new here! But a very interesting experiment! 🙂
Having said that, otrapuse website was quite good. Less of the Central Market crowd, more of the mid class mid 30’s type of people. Good concentration of nice Latvian chaps (or at least they look nice 😉 )…
It’s only when they start messaging that you see the dark side 😉 Yeah, people have told me that oho is actually not that great! Maybe I’ll try otrapuse next – maybe. 😉
Wow. Just wow. I’m a little scared. 😉
And you’re safe in Germany 😉 Imagine how I feel!
I really want to know if any ‘lady’ on the dating site has ever answered ‘Why yes, thank you. I’d love to pop over to your place for a steamy, inter-racial three way. I was really worried about getting replies from men who just wanted a nice cup of coffee and a chat. Thank god you answered my prayers!’
That was my actual reply. I just made other stuff up for the blog 😉
Heh heh, well I hope it goes well for you!
What could possibly go wrong 😉
Good luck, good luck!
Looks like I’ll need it 😉
Wow. That Latvian dating scene is a lot more exciting than I would have thought. 😉
I know! So much blog fodder 😉
Oh, my dear! I’m just glad you are screening these dudes! Definitely only meet them in daylight, preferably with some trusted friends nearby to run to your aid if necessary. Yes, I’m being a mother hen (and an odd one at that considering the “news article” I posted about you and a giant … thingy) but I can still enjoy your posts of the craziness of online dating 🙂
Everyone is living vicariously through my madness at the moment 😉
Yes, and some of us at a very safe distance too 🙂
Yeah, you couldn’t really get much farther away!
For the record, us married folk aren’t on eHarmony without photos. We have our own site over at Ashley Madison. It’s a little more moral there.
I will check that out immediately 😉
Magical! Though somehow everything you described is kind of my impression of dating online ANYWHERE, not just in Latvia. Maybe you need to start traveling around the world, working your way through one local dating site at a time.
I’d read that blog.
So would I! I’m not sure I could actually live it though! Shame you’re taken – you could do it! 😉
What!? How could you turn down the chance to be involved in group sex with a bunch of strangers? That doesn’t sound dangerous or anything. You totally, probably, wouldn’t even die for a weird snuff film they were making for pornhub. Ugh. Dudes are weird. However, I died laughing when I read this. I’ve had other friends encounter the “weird due with a fetish for girls having sex with their black friends.” No joke. I call it, “closet homosexuality and undeniable chocolate love.”
Sort of trips off the tongue, that! 🙂 I’m thinking of messaging him to say I changed my mind. You had me at ‘snuff film’ 😉
My latest post appeared immediately in the reader, no problem, but then mine was about charity admin, and wasn’t tagged “gang bang”. Do you think WP were checking the content of your post first?!
Ha ha, the ‘gang bang’ tag was an afterthought! And there are far more ‘salty’ blogs out there than mine! 🙂
Yes, the internet has revealed how horndoggy men really are. As if we needed any confirmation. The picture of Pauly D (even apart from his appalling messages) made me wonder: what kind of woman would actually find him attractive???? The photo looks like a screen cap from a documentary about Cretinous Young Jackasses.
I vote for Mr. “sweet gentle intimacy.” At least he sounds civilized.
He is starting to seem better and better. Or my standards are getting lower and lower 😉
PS love the word ‘horndoggy’ 😉
Yes, that word always makes me think of Bill Clinton; )
Ha ha, so true! 🙂
Whoooooahhh what a bunch of loony toons. Seriously, people in the world are f**ked up. I am applaud you for giving it a go AND not running a mile when you got those messages. There must be at least one decent guy in that bunch to have a coffee with.
You would hope so! Time will tell… 😉
Whoa, you have another Toronto reader? And our idiotic “mayor” made the news over in Latvia?!
Well, it made BBC News which I can get here! I’m not sure if he made it to the local channels – he could have though! And yes, I have another Torontonian in my life – you have seriously stiff competition! 🙂
I’m that irreplaceable?! Is it because I’m. It w man sending you salty messages?
I’m that irreplaceable eh?! Last time I send you a salty message or a care package!
Ha ha! No, no. You’re still number one 😉 Until Mike sends me some bacon or something 😉
Omg! I’m laughing but not in the haha way. When the internet walls go up, seemingly all sense of manners and common decency go down! C’mon Janis, where are ye?
I know, right? There has to be one good one out there, surely?!?
Reblogged this on Expat Eye on Latvia and commented:
Reblogging my latest post as it didn’t show up in Reader the first time round!
and imagine these crazy dudes who wrote u are regular guys u meet everyday, they may be ur co-workers, students, people who sell u groceries. but when they go online they reveal their true self. before dating websites i never knew how many freaks there are out there. freaks who surround us by the way. my worst suggestions when trying online dating were from men who wanted me to lick their balls in a car or men who wanted to pay me 500 usd for licking my ass. and i published the most modest photo imaginable!!!! and said in my profile i was looking for friends!!!! its a scary, scary world outside
but really if u do manage to hook up with someone semi normal in a cafe im sure ull find out that latvian men arent as bad as u thought they were.
$500 you say… 😉
How much bacon does that buy?
So much bacon. All the bacon 😉
if u do that for usd 500 im afraid u wont be able to eat that bacon=)))
I can always eat bacon. I’d need it to cheer myself up afterwards 😉
And a truckload of wine 😉
Phew. Now I get the Sweden reference. I was stranded outside of the loop there for a whole day, thanks to the Reader. Did I mention before how much I hate the new Reader?!?
Pauley D needs to be on 일본게이텀블러 for a bit of variety, methinks…
Now there’s an idea! 😉
Hmm, not sure you mentioned your hatred of the new reader before 😉
Well, it’s now decided to become my mother, and your post didn’t make the grade!
I did wonder if that might be it! 🙂
We’re going to have some very serious words, I think…
This post doesn’t show up in Reader for me either! I only saw it thanks to Twitter…
Don’t know what’s up with it or how to fix it! Annoying!
Sweet, gentle intimacy? Taste you first? Hahahahaa! I KNEW this was going to be good 😀 😀
Who knew Latvians could be so poetic!? Well, the ‘sweet gentle intimacy’ guy NOT the ‘taste you’ guy. I think he’s given up – no messages this morning! 😉
i just stumbled onto your blog and after reading this post im really glad i did! boys will be boys! i just dont get it, dont they know the word “no”? howeverrrr, they sure do make for excellent blog posts! hahaha
Ha ha, glad you enjoyed it and thanks for following! If I do actually go on a date, it could be the post to end all posts 😉
hahaha it could be! just let us know how it all turns out! im excited to hear! those guys seem to keep things interesting to say the least haha
Very! 🙂 Never a dull moment in LV 😉
OOOOH dear. Trying to come up with a witty comment, my mind is stuck on variations of ‘You’re taking one for the team [research], from a team [interracial gang-bang].’ Sorry, I just woke up…
And Linda in Lust is a great alternative to Sex & the Latvians!
PS – you’re going to Sweden? TAKE ME!
Ha ha, yes, I told you that. You said ‘Oh, hot Viking sex’. Like when I said I was going to Ireland and you said ‘Oh, hot rugged Irish sex’ – there’s a theme there somewhere, damned if I can figure out your subtle language though… 😉
Sorry I haven’t stayed on top (hehe) of your schedule. Have lots of HOT fun!
I will do my level best 😉
A Latvian in Linda? Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves 😉 Ha ha, taking one for the team… (snigger)
This post makes my life on so many levels. Brilliant! I’m sorry to take so much joy in your painful online dating experience – but it makes for hilarious reading!
Wait until I actually go on a date!! 😉
Oh my god…I might have to buy adult diapers to prevent leakage. 😉
This may just be, yes, I think it is, my favourite comment ever! 🙂
I love that, in general, women see “dating” sites as just that. A place where you meet someone and, perhaps, go on a date with them, while a lot of men seem to think that “dating” is a codeword for “place where you meet strangers and have sex without any of that awkward knowing eachother/speaking/paying for their drink. I mean, there’s flirting and there’s inviting a stranger to a gang bang. As a man – and a man who has used internet dating before – I find this absolutely bewildering. I’m guessing there was no tick in the “interracial group sex” box on your interests page, right?
It’s Latvia! Interracial doesn’t even come into it! 🙂 Yeah, I think the man-woman divide here could be too great 😉 Although… 😉
“Perhaps a sweet gentle intimacy?” — LOVE that. These Latvians dudes are hella suave! I think you totally called it on that last wanker — he’s got some issues he may not have fully… erm… dealt with yet. All that said — very, very, VERY glad to hear that there are a few (potentially) good men in-country. I really look forward to reading about Linda in love… 🙂 — Gotta go run the kids around to some stuff right now – but couldn’t resist reading this straight away! Cheers for the moment 🙂
Anytime daddy-o! 🙂 Have fun with the kids!
Thanks! Yeah, just one of those nights of several activities going on — but – ha! sure, a Linda in lust post will do just fine — means you’re having some fun and are happy so that’ll be cooool. So long as we’re not talking about The Group Sex Maniac Who’s Actually Totally Gay. 🙂
Um no, I think I’ll give him a big ol’ miss 😉 Cripes. But hey, at least you now have a new image of me – you can forget about my pants and move on to leather 😉
…or of course you in leather pants 😉 — Ha-ha! Couldn’t resist that one either. I’m a sad little man 🙂
It’s OK. I still like you 😉
And speaking of “pants” — the diff between that word in Canada and in the UK I mean — when we were living there my wife told some dude, right in the middle of the office, to “Kiss her…(she was going to say ass, but changed it on the fly to the more acceptable in Canada word for bum) fanny.” When the entire office went mental – they then explained to her what that word meant in London. A red-face very much ensued I’m told 🙂
Yeah, I do laugh way too much every time one of you guys says ‘fanny pack’ instead of ‘bum bag’ 😉
Oh, and if I’m a bit quiet for the next few days, it’s because I’m doing some field research on Svens vs Janises in Sweden 😉 The things I do for science…
Excellent – I never actually made it to Sweden in my European travels – but i understand its pretty nice. Have a great time 🙂
I will. And I’ll behave. Well, by my standards anyway 😉
Absolutely DO NOT behave! Blogdaddy’s orders 🙂 – Seriously, have a riot – you’ve been sick and working your butt off – you def deserve it.
Duly noted! My friend has already got the wine in so I’ll be well taken care of 😉
*sniff* I am gonna miss ya though 😦
Awww, don’t worry, I’ll be back in a couple of days! I haven’t done anything to piss Sweden off so I should be much safer there 😉
And you’ve got your work cut out for you anyway – woke up to Toronto in the news again for far less entertaining reasons – have you ever thought of changing from Major to Mayor and taking out the trash???
I guess I can survive for a few days… if I must 🙂 — No, seriously, hope you have a great time. I’m sure you will.
Oh man, I know…. it just keeps going from bad to worse… there’s literally no way to oust him and he just won’t go. That said, the provincial government is now at least considering creating some “special rules” to get him out to help save the city from collapse as the municipal govt is now in utter chaos. – The man talked about eating his wife’s pussy during a press conference… I mean… for fuck’s sake.
I was talking about the child porn scandal but wow! He’s the mayor that just keeps giving!! 😉 Can’t believe you said the p word… 😉 Cripes 😛
Ha-ha! Yeah, I guess, if the word is good enough for our esteemed mayor… pfffffft! Sorry for the “salty” language though… this guy just… arrrrrggghhhh!. As to the child porn scandal… that’s just beyond… man… I can’t even think about that stuff. Can’t believe the hit our fair city is taking right now. We’re really not all scumbags… I don’t think at least 🙂
Salty. You’re so funny 😉
Ha-ha! More like… lame 🙂
Well, I didn’t like to say… 😉
You might be waiting for a Linda in Love post though 😉 Linda in Lust maybe 😉