Soccer, sex and Stockholm

My little home from home has a lot to celebrate at the moment, though clearly not in football as Ireland whupped Latvia 3-0 on Friday. (I couldn’t not mention that.)

Roy Keane practises his Latvian face

Roy Keane practises his Latvian face

Far cheerier is the fact that Latvia celebrates Independence Day tomorrow so the whole of Riga will come alive in a festival of light. Daudz laimes dzimšanas diena, Latvija. But of course, this happens every year.

Something you don’t see every day (or year) is a Latvian girl being crowned ‘The UK’s Horniest Student. Hats, or maybe pants, off to Elina Desaine who beat off competition from all the local slappers to take the prize. It seems Latvia’s loss is the UK’s gain.

“I should be the UK’s horniest student because I have sex with at least 2 / 3 different people a week. Sometimes i go clubbing, have sex with someone, and then go back to the club to pick up my second victim. Feeling horny right now, so might just text someone on my ‘shag list’ and do it in the computer room (I’ve done this before, was great!) With your help of Alcohol, I will be able to become an even Hornier Student!”

Mr and Mrs Desaine must be so proud

Mr and Mrs Desaine must be so proud

But don’t worry – the IT Business Management student, who calls herself a ‘Slutvian’, and has bumped uglies with 16 guys to date at Sexeter University (see what she did there?) also has a responsible side:

“My one rule is if the guy hasn’t got a condom, he isn’t shagging me. It’s great because you can have fun without getting any diseases.”

Hopefully the year’s supply of condoms, as well as £500 cash, a brand new Samsung mobile – and alcohol – will make up for the fact that she will never get a job. Like, ever.

So while Elina has been hard at it all weekend, I’ve been getting a little rest and relaxation in Stockholm. My best friend lives there so it was high time I visited. The Latvians had warned me that the Swedes can be very cold too so I was prepared for the worst. I needn’t have been. The people there emanate the sort of happiness and contentment that comes from living in a country where things just work. Staff in shops, bars and ticket offices are friendly and will even smile at you and engage in conversation – something that takes a little getting used to after living in Latvia.

2013-11-16 11.39.59

Stockholm is a short hop from Riga and I had got a bargain on the flights – 22 lats return. But as I was flying with Ryanair, it turned out that the bus trip into Stockholm was actually longer, and more expensive, than the flight. Naturally, the cold that I thought I’d beaten chose that exact moment to rear its ugly head again, and I coughed, wheezed and sneezed for the 80 minutes that it took to get to the city. The poor girl beside me scrunched herself up as close to the window as she could, huffing and puffing, and wrapping her head in a scarf to avoid getting the plague. I don’t blame her; I would have hated me too.

It was already dark by the time I got to Stockholm bus station, where my friend was waiting for me in the rain. Hugs, laughter and a surprised look from her at the redness on the top of my head ensued. We headed back to her beautiful, modern apartment and I installed myself on the sofa with a glass of wine while she got cooking. This was to become something of a theme over the weekend.

The next day dawned bright and sunny and despite feeling a little worse for wear, I woke up early – possibly aware of the fact that there would only be around 5 hours of daylight. After some breakfast and around 400 cups of tea, we set off for Gamla Stan (Old Town) feeling sheepishly guilty and hungover amid all of the walkers, joggers, inline skaters and cyclists. Christ, these people are fit. They even have outdoor gyms, just in case you fancy a break from all the walking, jogging, inline skating and cycling.

Outdoor gym. And no, I didn't try it.

Outdoor gym. And no, I didn’t try it.

We wandered around the pretty old town for a couple of hours, taking in the atmosphere and witnessing the changing of the guard at the royal palace.

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After that, trying out the local cakes seemed like a good option. I had a delicious caramel and chocolate number while my friend hurt her teeth on the sweetness of a Snickers cake.

Happiness is...

Happiness is…

Since it was 13.24 at this stage, and a perfectly reasonable hour to start drinking, we did. The beer was nothing to write home about but after 4 of them, some great conversation and people-watching, and a nice chat with the bar girl, life seemed wonderful. We went back to my friend’s place and I installed myself on the sofa with a glass of wine while she got busy in the kitchen.

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As I had to leave quite early the next morning, we decided not to go out, instead popping across the courtyard to my friend’s boyfriend’s place, casserole dish in hand. My friend will make someone (possibly him) a lovely little wife some day.

I wonder if she would have more luck with this Latvian dating lark than I’m having.

About BerLinda

Adjusting to life in Germany, after living in Latvia for four years. Should be easy, right?
This entry was posted in Beer, Culture and Traditions, Expat, Humor, Humour, Latvian women, Travel and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

92 Responses to Soccer, sex and Stockholm

  1. Did you tried to translate the surname of this horniest student? Desaine is someone who is covered with sausages or who maybe produces sausages. Desa is a sausage in direct translation. 🙂

  2. snaipere says:

    Here’s an article which shows the whole situation with the “Slutvian” in a bit different light:

    Elīna says that she submitted a fake application in order to do a feministic experiment. She had wanted to show that the things women say about this topic are perceived differently than the words from men. She also claims there is no shag list and the last time she had sex was 5 months ago with her ex bf.

  3. Aussa Lorens says:

    Ah, I was just talking about RyanAir this weekend! I’m glad that you gave the girl in the window seat a proper experience because flying on that airline is all about contracting illnesses and interacting with drunk Bulgarians. Gotta love a cheap price though…

    Also: All I can say to the Sluttiest Student is WTF. Wow. I love your comment about how she will never get a job, ever. I can think of about one profession she could successfully break into at this point.

  4. linnetmoss says:

    Yes, the Long-Suffering Husband was an exchange student in Sweden, and he told me that the prices for alcohol there are stupendous! Better to go to Rome where you can get great Lazio wine for 2 euros a bottle…
    I am envious of the chocolate, caramel, and Snickers confections… we don’t have good pastries here except what I make myself and even those can be iffy!

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha ha, yeah, I think my baking days are over! 🙂 Quit while I’m ahead! And Latvia has amazing cakes – I can’t compete!

      And the opening hours are a bit crazy. You can’t buy alcohol after 3pm on a Saturday or at all on a Sunday! I couldn’t be that organised on a Friday 😉 And being Sweden, there are no little illegal shops like there are here. My friend looked a bit shocked when I asked her, just assuming that there would be! 🙂

      • linnetmoss says:

        No alcohol on Sunday? Good grief. It sounds like Macon, GA. Must be all those Protestants. My husband grew up in a church where they drank little individual thimbles of grape juice for communion. It struck me as bizarre but extremely hygienic. I was more the type of “don’t bogart that chalice!!”

      • Expat Eye says:

        Ha ha ha! There’s definitely a post in that! 🙂

  5. Anna says:

    +10 for 4 beers, +2 for cake (I prefer herring), but -5 for lack of Viking Sex. All trips to Sweden must come with hot Viking Sex.

  6. That poor girl, her parents must be so proud!

  7. barbedwords says:

    Just shaking my head at Ms Desaine and worrying about the morals of young people today…(kind of joking but I have daughters so this sort of thing TERRIFIES me!!! Maybe I should just move to Sweden? If the alcohol is so expensive, surely they won’t get drunk enough for all the casual sex??!)

  8. bevchen says:

    UK’s horniest student… wow. Who knew there was such a thing. I love that she goes back for her second “victim”. Hahahaha.

    I found the Swedes very friendly when I was there.

  9. KJolt says:

    What do you think of Gamla Stan compared to Riga’s old town? Which is bigger and has the more attractive architecture?

    Speaking of attractive, are the Latvian stock hotter than their Swedish counterparts?

    • Expat Eye says:

      I think Riga’s old town beats Gamla Stan for beauty. The buildings are just so much more ornate. So many little details – you notice something new every time.
      As for the stock, I’d have to say Swedish guys are hotter! But of course, I have a soft spot for my Latvian boys 😉

  10. nancytex2013 says:

    Now that Elina would do very well on the Latvian dating websites, wouldn’t she? Makes me wonder how many Latvian men’s tears are spilling onto their keyboards as they read the online news about their prized export living it up at Exeter. 🙂

  11. Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

    A girl with only one rule…

    My rules are clean STD test (current) amongst others. Course I’ve been hearing of AIDS since 81 or so. Back when they didn’t know what on earth was killing people…

  12. mikemajor9 says:

    “My one rule is if the guy hasn’t got a condom, he isn’t shagging me.” — well, a girl’s got to have her standards hasn’t she? Fer cripes sake, the stupid little tart. — Glad to hear Sweden is everything I’ve heard it is – nice, friendly… erm… filled with sweets and beers 🙂 Sounds like you managed to pretty well drown that cold eh? Nicely done Linda. Nicely done indeed. BTW I LOVE the domestic goddess image of you and your pal walking a casserole over to the BF’s place. So sweeeeeeeet – bet he was one happy dude 🙂

    • Expat Eye says:

      It all felt a bit like an Australian soap opera but in a nice way! And the apartment complex was so nice. With proper areas outside that people could actually sit and eat and a playground for kids – they really do think of everything in that country. I said to my friend ‘Can I drink the tap water here?’ She was like ‘Sigh, of course, it’s probably the cleanest drinking water in the world’ 😉 I think everything there is probably ‘the best in the world’ – that could get very dull very quickly though! Still drowning the stupid cold. This thing has 9 lives 😉 And by the way, I love that you love the domestic goddess thing but really, I had a very small part in it! I peeled a couple of potatoes but got bored and sat down and drank wine instead. And then I opened the door while she carried the piping hot dish 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Seriously, Sweden is like The Stepford Country — something evil is lurking under all that perfection surely! And don’t worry Chief Wine Supervisor is a very important role in meal preparation – it keeps the cook from getting at it, getting hammered and then ruining dinner 🙂

      • Expat Eye says:

        I was a terrible influence. I realised I was drinking two glasses to every one she was drinking so tried to rectify it by peeling potatoes so she could drink more. But it’s so boring 😉
        Isn’t Canada pretty perfect too?! 😉 Well, apart from the mayor of TO 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        It is pretty awesome here actually – yes, Mayor Dipshit notwithstanding. I really enjoyed living in the UK too though – London was an amazing city to experience for a few years. My biggest regret of our 2 years there? I’m very ashamed to admit we never made it to Ireland… went to Paris like 5 times… but never sipped a pint o’ Guinness in an Irish pub… stupid, stupid, stupid!

      • Expat Eye says:

        Well, I guess Paris is more romantic than Dublin! I can understand that! And personally, I can’t stand the black stuff 😉 Although you would have had an amazing time there! It is a fantastic city for fun and debauchery 😉 And you could have wrecked a few more marriages 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Ha-ha! Too true… the people of Ireland are much better off we never made it there come to think of it – the married ones at least 🙂

      • Expat Eye says:

        I might never have been born 😉

      • Expat Eye says:

        And you never would have experienced the awesomeness 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Exactly! To not be able to experience the awesomeness would’ve sucked — so it all worked out wonderfully in the end didn’t it? Yeah, it really did 😀

      • Expat Eye says:

        Now I just have to get you to visit Riga… 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Ha-ha! Sure, we could find a dreadful little town to visit, hit the bar early rather than later, enjoy loads of pints and see whose bladder could stand it the longest on the bus ride back to the big city… sadly, I know I’d lose 🙂

      • Expat Eye says:

        Probably but that’s nothing to be ashamed of 😉 I am Irish!

      • mikemajor9 says:

        So true – I don’t know where you guys put it all!

      • Expat Eye says:

        Ah, that’s an Irish trade secret 😉 We can never tell!

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Hmmm… just how absorbent are those leather pants…? 😉

      • Expat Eye says:

        I’ve never worn leather pants in my life 😉 No pants maybe, but leather?? No… 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Hahaha! I’m very glad to hear that… leather pants… that’d just be… weird… oh man, I just thought of that old Friends episode where Ross wears a pair of leather “pants” – trousers – and lots of chafing and discomfort ensues… I can only imagine.. anyhow, I digress.

      • Expat Eye says:

        Ha ha, I remember that one! And the talc and the oil form a paste 😉 Digressing is good… 😉

      • mikemajor9 says:

        Found it! “It’s like a volcano in here!”

      • Expat Eye says:

        ‘Are you hot?’ 😉 Unless you’re a rock star, nobody should wear leather pants.

  13. C…caramel choc number – GIMMMMMEEEEEEE!!!!!

  14. I did read about the UK’s horniest student competition… oh dear!! Funny that the Latvians would think the Swedes are cold!!

    • Expat Eye says:

      I might update Alanis Morrissette’s ‘Ironic’ along those lines 😉
      My god, I can’t understand why anyone would want to admit to the world that they’re banging everything that moves – for a few quid and some beer! I wonder if she realises that what’s put on the internet stays on the internet? This shit will haunt her for life!

  15. I laughed when I read your comments about Swedes in shops engaging in conversation and smiling. I had the same experience when I left Honduras for Guatemala: wow, the shopkeepers actually look happy to have you as a customer. In La Ceiba, Honduras, a clerk will ignore you when you put your items on the counter, continuing to talk on the phone, or whatever, and roll her eyes at you when you ask when you could get rung up. Then they complain how business is slow, which it is, because who wants to deal with that unless you have to.

    • Expat Eye says:

      I know, right! To me, it’s just normal customer service to smile at someone and pass the time of day. If I’m spending my money somewhere, I expect to, at the very least, be acknowledged! I don’t expect everyone to want to be my best friend but a smile and a hello cost nothing!

  16. Poor Mr and Mrs Desaine – this is probably not a prize they will be bragging about to their friends! Stockholm is on my list of ‘to do’ places – everyone I know who has been there says it is beautiful and a ‘must do’ trip.

  17. 1WriteWay says:

    I want to move to Sweden.

    • Expat Eye says:

      I don’t know if my friend will cook for you 😉 It is a lovely place though! So civilised!

      • 1WriteWay says:

        That’s what I’m after … civilization. Very little of it here in the US 😉

      • Expat Eye says:

        Well, you sound perfectly lovely 😉 I guess it depends on where you go! I’d rather shoot myself in the face than live in Vegas for example. But could quite happily go ‘walking in Memphis’ for the rest of my life!

      • 1WriteWay says:

        I left my heart in San Francisco, but it’s sooooo expensive there. I have family in upstate New York which is beautiful country too if you don’t mind the winters. Of course, my husband and I are old enough that we would consider Oregon because it’s a “right to die” state 😉

      • Expat Eye says:

        San Francisco is lovely, I agree! And I really liked Santa Barbara as well – all that wine country 😉 Right to die… wow. Here people just drop dead of misery and exhaustion 😉

      • 1WriteWay says:

        People drop dead of misery and exhaustion in Latvia or Sweden (you know, all that inline skating)?

      • Expat Eye says:

        No, just Latvia 😉 Although they might drop dead from the prices in Sweden 😉

      • 1WriteWay says:

        Oh, crap, why are the nicer places to live also the more expensive! Yeah, I want it all: high quality of life, low cost of living 🙂

      • Expat Eye says:

        Yeah, it’s expensive there! 6 or 7 euros for a pint – probably around 100 for a pretty average meal for 2! But they have very clean water 😉

      • Lila says:

        it is civilized yet something is keeping u in latvia…. i wonder what it is …. the challenge of life? no offence intended

      • Expat Eye says:

        They speak amazing English in Stockholm – nothing for me to do there. And to be honest, too much perfection is a little dull 😉

      • Lila says:

        try eastern germnay. good quality of life, cheap prices, clean water, beer and wine are cheap, its very safe and child freindly place and customer service is all right as well

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