Expat Eye is One!

Today Expat Eye on Latvia is one year old!

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

What a year it’s been – I’ve met some amazing people, both online and in the real world, and I’m so grateful to them for reading. I can hardly believe that this will be my 114th post. I remember when I started writing this blog being worried that nobody would ever read it. Then, towards the end of last year, I was worried that too many people were reading it…

So far, EE has been viewed over 140,000 times and received over 7,100 comments (which my mum loves reading by the way, so keep them coming). People from as far away as Jordan, Singapore, Brazil, Indonesia and Tanzania now know that the only things to outnumber the Jānises in Latvia, are the trees.

The number one search term that brings people to the blog is, strangely enough, Expat Eye on Latvia. I beat Latvian women by 123 searches. YES. I also have the dubious honour of being the first website that pops up if you google ‘Latvian grandpa cock’. Go on, try it and see. You know you want to…

7,700,000 results. Scary.

7,700,000 results. Scary.

The award for the best/worst comment goes, without a shadow of a doubt, to Solaris for this absolute corker:

The fact you are selectively moderating comments clearly shows your hypocrisy… You are not sarcastic. No. You Linda are a TIPICAL hater.
You have found yourself in this dank, poor, afflicted country without clear understanding why you are here. You have not got good family relationships in your life. You are horny too long time. You are in the age when women usually think about their life gist, however you do not find your life to be in harmony. Hence, you unconsciously feel yourself like a looser. Consequantly, you have negative emotions. Because of your narrow thinking and hypocrisy you do not want to see the real reason of your confusion. Instead, you tend to look for anything around you as an excuse why your life has been standstilled. So, you are selectively looking for any rummy thing in your neighbourhood to excuse your inner hate and looser feeling. Thus far it is in some way normal behaviour of lost people. However, you Linda go rather different way. And this is a way to become a hater… You do not hesitate to describe Latvia and Latvians in the most unpleasant manner. You pretend to describe anything in Latvia, however you do it through the prism of your inner hate and looser feeling. That’s miserably. Your lies about Latvia are miserable.
You horny Linda would rather go back to Ireland and try to make a normal family. And DO stop hurting and offencing Latvians. We really do not need haters like you.

Far from being ‘offenced’, I decided to do this:

2014-01-21 21.02.10

And then this:

It's TRUE!

It’s TRUE!

I felt like a prize twat in the t-shirt shop writing ‘HORNY TOO LONG TIME’ on a piece of paper and handing it to the girl. Thankfully, she was Latvian so there was zero reaction. I will also never be going back to the establishment in the photo again.

A massive thank you to everyone who’s been reading, commenting, liking and sharing. And special thanks to the Latvians for not deporting or killing me.

But right now, I’ve got work to do in the shape of polishing off this celebratory bottle of wine. As the blog is far too young to drink, it looks like I’m on my own with this one…

Advertisements

About BerLinda

Adjusting to life in Germany, after living in Latvia for four years. Should be easy, right?
This entry was posted in Expat, Humor, Humour, Latvia and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

167 Responses to Expat Eye is One!

  1. Pingback: Finally, it’s the positive post… | Expat Eye on Latvia

  2. Happy (very belated) BIRTHDAY!

  3. wasd says:

    Happy birthday 🙂 So far I have really enjoyed everything I have found here, and this experience have expanded my point of view to Latvia and even other countries as well. Glad I found your blog (And no It was not found by searching old mans cock ^^).

  4. Pecora Nera says:

    Happy Birthday to the blog. I am just catching up with the blogs after a shopping trip to the UK 😉

    • Expat Eye says:

      Stocked up on bacon?! 😉

      • Pecora Nera says:

        Lots of it. Are you nice and warm in Latvia? We have some very cold looking snow here.

      • Expat Eye says:

        I’m am FREEZING! The other day we had a ‘comfort’ level of -21. I just can’t cope in these sorts of temperatures! Cups of tea are barely holding me together at the moment! Today there’s a wind that would slice through you with some helpful snow thrown in so you can hardly open your eyes… glad you’re just looking at the snow and not actually out in it 😉

  5. Ansh says:

    We don’t kill helpless westerners. We influence them psychologically by blank cold glaze or smth like that, hoping that they will leave us alone.
    Btw we are not alone by doing this. Meet http://estonianmoments.ee/

    • Expat Eye says:

      Looks like I won’t be moving to Estonia any time soon 😉 The blank cold stare just spurs me on – but I’m probably alone in this 😉

  6. Oops, I am a day or too late… Happy Blogging Birthday!

  7. Congratz, that’s pretty awesome! You can do this for a living and not teach any more! If you were in Asia, you would be a celebrity getting on TV variety shows and hobnob with famous Asian celebrities!

    But why does that phrase sound chinglish? I can almost hear it from someone with a bad Chinese accent. Reminds me of a story that a friend told me. An obnoxious rich Chinese guy(son of an important official) immigrates to Canada. He wants to learn English only so he can pick up white girls in Vancouver. So he drag a friend with him who is educated in the US and has a green card. Long story short, he is annoying and his buddy had enough of him.

    “So you want to learn English pick up lines?” “Yes! Teach me a easy one so I won’t forget.” “Fine! This is what you will say to the girls – You, Me, Fk now!” After making sure he can say it, the buddy let him loose in downtown Vancouver.

    Phone dying, to be continued …

    • Expat Eye says:

      You tease! What happened?!

      • Ah, finally back to the hotel, life on the road is nuts. Anyway, let’s pick up where we left off.

        So having heard the news of this from his buddy (who is a friend of mine), I rushed over to downtown and saw the buddy chilling with a cafe’ latte’ in a starbucks.
        “Well….., where is he?”
        “Him? Ah, one second, this is the first time I’ve had a chance to relax while he dragged my butt here. ” Takes another sip.
        I loled, went in to get a espresso con panna/cafe’ Vienne. Sits down.
        “So did you really teach him to say that?”
        “Yes, Yes I did.”
        “Should I call a lawyer? He does have bail money, right?” I snickered.
        “Yeah, he should, and he should also pay for my time here. If it weren’t for the fact that we were school buddies and his mom helped me out a lot, I wouldn’t be here”
        “Yes, I know, I heard you say that a million times.”
        “Well, anyway, I dropped him off in front of a few bars where a whole bunch of girls in nice clothes and heels seem to congregate. I haven’t heard anything since.”
        “Ahahaha…, alright, so we wait now.”
        “yes, we wait.”

        The next turn of events is disputed. There are 2 versions of the following event. One is the version the obnoxious rich guy said happened, the other is the one we pieced together.

        We got a phone call about an hour in, and the guy asked us to pick him up in a nearby location where he was dropped off. When we finally picked him up, he looked dishevelled, out of breath and was in a rush. All he said was, “Drive!” As we drove to his place, he slowly recounts the events.

        darn, gotta go again, I’ll keep it going later, sorry! 😉

      • Expat Eye says:

        I’m on the edge of my seat here! Come on woman! 🙂

      • Ok,there were too many things piled up at once, and I almost forgot about the story. 😛

        short and concise form –

        His version:

        After he was dropped off, he walked up and down the street to check out the “competition” and “targets” (take those terms how you will, that’s what he said). He eventually selected a hot blonde in a one piece, boots, fishnet stockings(probably with a jacket but who cares, not like guys can pay attention or remember what women wears) that was standing near the corner as THE one. He went into one of the bars to get some “liquid courage”. And the final approach –
        cue music:

        He walked up to the hot blonde after she had left her little group and started to linger on her phone in another corner. The blonde apparently noticed him and smiled.
        “Hi” He says.
        “Hi…”
        “Ur…, Hello” He says.
        “lols (do your own imagination), yes, hello, (following is what we believe she said with his broken english comprehension) how can I help you?”
        THE Line.
        Apparently, she laughed, really hard. 😀
        And then there were lots of gesturing involved because she apparently started saying something really fast that he didn’t understand (well duh’). (I guess) She felt like she wasn’t getting anywhere, so she grabbed his arm and started walking. So here he is thinking, “did it work? Have I done it?”
        So they walked for a bit and made some turns, then he sees a building with a word he understands.
        “Hotel”
        He is thinking (reason we know is because he is telling us what he thought) that “YES!!! I am going to get lucky tonight!! I can get laid without having to pay! Everything they say about white girls are TRUE!”

        (just picked it for dramatic effect 😛 )

        They walked in, and the blonde gave a nod to the manager (door man? bellboy? check in? no idea, he said manager) and just grabbed a key from the table that the manager tossed over and dragged him into the elevator.

        (Does anybody see where this is going? )

        Anyway, they got a room. She didn’t waste anytime to invite him to the bed. (yes, continue the 1812 overture in his head as you imagine this).

        (I’ll omit the obvious 😉 )

        Anyway, this is his version of what happens after the deed –

        (if you haven’t guessed it)
        She asked him for money. Yes, Money is one of the words he understands. He tried to argue. He thought he was duped. And then she made some phone calls. Some big guys came in. He quickly paid roughly 300 CDN after getting pushed around a bit. He was led back to the spot near where he dropped off by the guys, and then they asked for a tip for showing him the directions. He gave another 100 CDN. (50 each I think).

        And then we picked him up. 😀

        This version of events is amusing in of itself. But I noticed a few interesting things.

        1. There were some strange bruises or red marks on his wrists.

        2. He didn’t want his buddy touching him. (The buddy was trying hard to stifle his snickers while “comforting” him. “You alright? It’s just a few bucks, right? You got the money.”

        3. He was shaking, bad. It was so bad that he dropped the cig he was holding and almost burned the car seats.

        4. He kept muttering to himself in Chinese, “nothing happened, nothing happened..etc”.

        5. By the time we had gotten to his house, he was rocking back and forth.

        6. He spent a long time in the shower after getting back.

        7. He was dropped off Davie Street in Downtown Vancouver. If you don’t know where that is, here is a link:

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davie_Village

        By this point, his buddy and I figured that something else must have happened because otherwise he would have just tried to shrug it off in a show of macho-ness. (you know, nothing I couldn’t handle. I knew she was a pro at the start. etc)

        If someone hasn’t figured out what we thought happened, then let me spell it out. The bars around Davie street are usually filled with all kinds of street walkers, yes, but there was one thing they were famous for… – drag queen/Transvestite street walkers. Some were transgenders/transsexuals, while other could be just transvestites. (I have no idea how to correctly call the various different groups, so please excuse me if I offend anyone)

        So…., well…, maybe I should just leave the rest to your imagination as to what happened?

        Of course, after I told his buddy this (who obviously didn’t know because he never visited/lived in Vancouver before this), he gave me an incredulous look.
        “Is that true? That place is famous for that?”
        “Yes, yes, it is.”

        He then dragged me back into the car, and drove off. He then proceeded to completely laughing his head off. I can say I have never seen him so happy.

        The end!

        I hope this isn’t too raunchy for your blog! 😛

      • Expat Eye says:

        Nothing’s too raunchy for this blog! The perfect end to the story! Wow, that guy got what was ‘coming’ to him!! 🙂

  8. Glynis Jolly says:

    Happy First Anniversary!

Comments are closed.