Jānis gets Yummier

Since our first meeting, Yummy Jānis and I have been restricted to getting to know each other better via Facebook as he lives in Jelgava (of all places). It’s been an eye-opening experience. For example, I recently discovered that Yummy is quite into gangsta rap when he sent me this clip:

 

Me: Is he saying “Back the fuck up motherfucker, Beyoncé’s here?”

Yummy: Oh my god, it’s like you just spat into my gangsta soul.

Me: So he’s not saying “Back up motherfucker, Beyoncé’s here?”

Yummy: Why on earth would he be saying that?

Me: Well, y’know, I thought that maybe he wanted other people (motherfuckers) to show some respect as there was a lady present. And was willing to shoot them if they didn’t. 

Yummy: Hmm. You really don’t get gangsta rap, do you?

Amazingly, my profound stupidity (or potential hardness of hearing) didn’t scare him off. Neither did the pressure of being my latest blog star.

Me: Are you sure it’s not too much pressure?

Yummy: Don’t worry about my feelings. I can always slow poison you if it gets too much…

With this in mind, I accepted his offer to come over and cook me dinner. He showed up at around 7 last night, after 4 million phone calls and a rejection of the meat in Rimi for being “too ugly”. I had “Back the fuck up motherfucker, Beyoncé’s here” playing as he walked in to make him feel at home – a little gangsta’s paradise, if you will.

Like a cute Latvian magician, he produced a flower from somewhere. This was unfortunate as I was then forced to reveal that I’m not the most girly of girls and didn’t even own a vase. I had hoped to hide this fact until much later. Still, it looked OK in a Bulmers glass…

2014-02-01 21.30.51

 

After a (very short) guided tour of my flat, I installed him in the kitchen where he proceeded to pull more food out of his backpack than my place has ever seen. I still had no idea what he was cooking as he had wanted to surprise me.

I poured us a couple of glasses of wine while he got organised. The wine had been my one responsibility (at my insistence), which he found kind of odd as this is considered ‘the man’s duty’ in Latvia. Finally, it was time for the big reveal – he was making… an Irish dinner! Beef and Guinness stew with champ, and goody for dessert, to remind me of home. (How perfect is this guy?)

2014-02-01 19.28.32As this feast was going to take the guts of 3 hours to prepare, he’d even brought some sandwiches to keep us going in the meantime. (Seriously, how perfect…?) While he worked, I had to pinch myself a couple of times to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Generally, there are only 2 circumstances in which you’ll find a man in a kitchen in Latvia:

1. He’s Latvian and rooting around in the fridge looking for beer.

2. A Latvian woman has married a foreigner who doesn’t think that cooking is ‘woman’s work’.

He even uttered the magic words:

Me: Do you want any help?

Yummy: No. You just sit there and look beautiful. 

I quickly realised after my ‘vase fail’, that there were to be a few more ‘fails’ on the cards.

Yummy: Do you have a sharper knife?

Me: No. 

Yummy: Or a knife sharpener?

Me: (Snort)

Yummy: Do you seriously only have 2 pots?

Me: Why would anyone need more than 2 pots?

Yummy: Do you have something I can use to crush the garlic?

Me: Umm, my fist?

However, in spite of the limitations of my kitchen, he managed to cook up an amazing meal – which was lucky as it was almost 11pm by the time it was ready and I could have quite easily eaten him at that stage.

So it seems that I have finally found the perfect Latvian man. It only took the best part of four years, 100+ blog posts and a little notoriety. I think I might suggest that Jelgava add him to their list of tourist attractions. It’s not like there’s much else to see there and I’m pretty sure women would flock from all over the Baltics to meet him.

On second thoughts, maybe not. I might keep this one for myself…

 

 

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About BerLinda

Adjusting to life in Germany, after living in Latvia for four years. Should be easy, right?
This entry was posted in Food, Humor, Humour, Latvian men, Love and Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

127 Responses to Jānis gets Yummier

  1. Pingback: It’s Valentine’s Day. God help us all. | Expat Eye on Latvia

  2. Pingback: Invasion of the Sperm Snatchers | Expat Eye on Latvia

  3. Your (lack of) culinary skills and appropriate vases/ pots / knives reminds me of…well, me! 🙂
    I’m glad to hear that Yummy Janis didn’t mind one bit.
    As my mother always said, there is a lid for every pot. (pun intended)

  4. Good choice for the linkup!

  5. Elmi says:

    Hahahaha this is amazing!!!! Now we actually do know the same people! I know exactly who you are talking about. This somebody babysat me, tortured me with his gangsta rap all my childhood and teenage years, played computer games with me, accidentally sent me on a path of getting into rock music by introducing me to Linkin Park and bullied me for being a “metal-head” thereafter, taught me how to draw my mom’s hair correctly when I was in kindergarten, tried to teach me how to cook (but I am completely useless) and promised to “kick the shit out of any mutherfucker” who did any harm to me. This is a friend that I had since the day I was born 🙂 So I can assure you that he is a keeper!!!!!! You’ll be awesome together!!!!! 😀 Now I need to get my leopard print stuff ready for my trip to Latvia to make a real Latvian impression when I finally meet you 😀 Unfortunately this impression will probably be ruined by many embarrassing childhood stories about me from Yummy Jānis 😀

  6. Who needs a vase when you have a hot man to bring you a new flower again tomoz. Enjoy.. both the man and meal.

    • Expat Eye says:

      I did! The vase isn’t really a priority now that one of my plates has cracked – leaving me with one plate. Could make dinner trickier next time 😉

  7. Frank Castle says:

    You fell for a latvian? 😀

  8. You are definitely lucky to meet a perfect SINGLE Latvian man, as mostly – the perfect ones are snached out of the competition in their early or middle twenties. So – keep him close.

  9. Antuanete says:

    Awww, so sweet!
    I bet next time Yummy Jānis will bring some pots with him – I know this feeling very well, when you have promised to cook or bake at someones place, and there aren’t even half of bowls and tools you need to carry your culinary masterpiece out 😀

  10. No, he is totally talking about Beyonce in that clip. It’s just a bit confusing because it’s hard to see her (try squinting into the background at 0:42).

  11. Daaaang Yummy Jānis! You are mighty brave to be sharing this story…with all the Latvians ladies, or really, any ladies..
    And he’s totally backing them up for Beyonce.

  12. wasd says:

    My lady loves when I cook. It is not happening too often, but always brings up nice suprise to her. There is something special in making dinner for her 🙂 Loved this post.

  13. Aussa Lorens says:

    Ooooh my gosh, swoon. Lock him down. Seriously. He cooked for you, told you to sit there and look beautiful (wait, would feminism protest? oh, shut up) while he did the work, brought you a magically revealed flower, and made a joke about slow poisoning you? Soul mate.

    • Expat Eye says:

      Yeah, he had me at slow poisoning to be honest – I’m dark like that 😉 And hey, if it wasn’t a joke, I know I have you to track him down and go Liam Neeson on his ass 😉

  14. Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

    Clearly he is gay.

    And your interpretation of the gangster rap is as valid as anyones.

    So when is the wedding anyway? 😉

  15. Anna says:

    This is the best story ever! There’s flowers, there’s a boy and there’s food without cooking! You found some Latvian Magic portal, hadnt you? Janis Podnieks and the Irishwoman’s Kitchen!

  16. linnetmoss says:

    Yummy Janis had me at the pink flower. He sounds like a Man of Many Talents. No need to cover yourself in glory when you can cover yourself in gravy…

  17. Good for you! Yummy Janis sounds real great 🙂 Just hoping that it’s not some sort of Latvian conspiracy to send you a perfect undercover or something guy so that you start blogging only on the high note of praise about Latvia and all 😀

  18. TRex says:

    Oh oh. I sense a shift in the tone of this blog. It’s a music blog now eh? Cooking? My wife says I’m a bit dense.

  19. Karolyn Cooper says:

    What a happy story. I’d never heard of Jelgava, so I googled it: are you going to visit Yummy Janis and blog from the Ice Sculpture Festival?

  20. barbedwords says:

    Yay, go Yummy Janis! I’m seriously impressed that he brought along the sarnies to keep you going, what a man 😉

  21. Lāsma says:

    Love is in the air… 😉

  22. Love is in the air… 😉 And I love the Bulmers vase too!

    • Expat Eye says:

      Thank you kind sir. In these sorts of situations, one has to improvise 😉 To think, you’re building a house – I can’t even produce a garlic crusher… 😉

  23. bevchen says:

    I made beef and Guinnes stew the other day!

    You don’t have a garlic crusher? Whaaaat? But that’s an essential piece of equipment! I’ll let you get away with only two pots though 😉 And vases are overrated – wine bottles make perfectly good flower holders.

    • Expat Eye says:

      I usually have a few empty ones lying around too 😉 I also have a corkscrew which is pretty much the only piece of equipment I consider essential 😉
      How was your stew? As good as ‘my’ stew?! 😉

  24. Yummy Jānis says:

    Oh my! So many people hearing Beyonce instead of The Onyx. Hope them Onyx guys will never find this post! We can get shot down for this mistake! 😀
    By the way, sitting and being beautiful is probably the best help from a woman. If every woman could do it like you did, their men would not only cook for them but also build a house and plant a tree at first date. 😀

    • Expat Eye says:

      Why did I never know this before?!? I could have a couple of houses to hide in when those Onyx guys come looking for me 🙂 Thanks again for a wonderful time! x

  25. Clearly the way to this woman’s heart is her stomach!

    However those chef types really need a couple good quality knives, sharpener, pots n pans and garlic press.

  26. nancytex2013 says:

    And you didn’t need to converse with him via mobile phone during the prep or dinner? Holy shit-balls Linda – this one IS a keeper! Well done, Yummy Janis. Now get your ass closer to Riga so Linda needn’t be horny too long time.

  27. Aggie says:

    My husband haven`t cook since… hmmm… don`t remeber…

    …btw I am going to Latvia… Irealy would love to see you in real life

    • Aggie says:

      and yes… he is one of yammy Janis… we dated 4 years than got married

    • Expat Eye says:

      That would be great! Let me know when and hopefully I’ll be here! Your hubby is a lucky man having you do all the cooking 😉

      • Aggie says:

        I will be in LV in the first week in March… very short time…

        I love cooking, baking, handcrafting… I am one of crazy ones 😀

      • Expat Eye says:

        Ha, no I actually admire people that can do all of that stuff. Mainly because I’m so totally useless at it!
        Great, I won’t organise anything for that week then! I’m planning on going to Daugavpils in March but will leave it until a bit later 😉

  28. Daina says:

    I had been waiting for this update, and – wow – it was worth the wait. A Latvian man who can and *does* cook is certainly worth writing about!! Lucky you! And thank goodness that he thought to bring sandwiches to tide you over – certainly eating dinner at 11pm is not my idea of a good time.

    Now I guess we will just once again breathlessly have to wait to an update…

    • Expat Eye says:

      I don’t think he realised quite how long it would take, bless him 😉 Luckily, I also had plenty of chocolate so we munched on that, washed down with red wine, while we waited!
      And yes, he is a bit of a find, I agree 😉 Jelgava – who knew?!

  29. I know that I’m going deaf because I heard Beyoncé, too.

    Glad you date with Yummy went well. Hope to hear more about him.

    • Expat Eye says:

      Thank god it’s not just me 😉 I’d never heard of The Onyx before – don’t think my life has been too damaged by that though 😉
      Hopefully Yummy will be around for a while! 🙂

  30. Dee Bee says:

    He sounds like a keeper! How did you find him?!?

    • Expat Eye says:

      He found me – through the blog 😉 Sent me a message, we got chatting, we became friends on FB, we chatted some more, arranged to meet up… 😉

  31. Jude says:

    Do you think you can clone him and send him over to Canada? Now that I understand what the Guinness stew entails, I want some! Also, where is my shirt already?

  32. RuncZ says:

    I stopped hearing “Beyoncé” only at the end 😀
    Sounds like a reasonable guy. Do you plan on doing something in return?

    • Expat Eye says:

      I still hear Beyoncé every time now 😉 I was rapping it from time to time while he was cooking 😉 I suppose I could cook in return but I may never see him again after that… 🙂 Trying to think of what other talents I have… apart from rapping… 😉

  33. I am just thinking, aren’t you afraid of native women getting mad? 😀
    I have to say that my dad is 1/2 latvian, 1/2 estonian, and he was cooking and fixing my hair when i was child and sewing. SO there are normal men out there 🙂

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha, you’re right – the native women might try to get rid of me as I’m ‘stealing’ one of the good ones! 🙂 I won’t let any of them cook me dinner, that’s for sure!! Your dad sounds like a great man 😉 Mine does most of the cooking in our house too 😉

  34. freebutfun says:

    Haha, when my husband moved in with me, he couldn’t believe how blunt my knives where. And that I didn’t have a sharpner. And that I was quite happy to eat baked beans out of the can. He did bring me a vase with the first flowers though (even though i had a few vases, he just didn’t expect me to have any). That was almost a decade ago, so you know where you are heading?! Yummyyy!

    • Expat Eye says:

      Thank god I’m not alone on this one! Maybe Yummy will bring a vase next time too – as well as doing all the cooking 😉 I did feel a bit lazy but not lazy enough to insist that I help 😉

  35. Sounds like a good evening- vase or not. S’s perfect meal would be similar, M’s a large doner kebab with double onions and chilli sauce (secret ingredient whisky). If anyone could knock that up, they’d be taken up the aisle in no time! What happened after the meal?

  36. Ohhh! This is getting very interesting! And I love guys who bring you something to remind you of home (my cactus). 😉

  37. June says:

    Two pots? No knife sharpener? No garlic press? Guess he was lucky you had plates to serve it on!
    My lasting image is going to be of a starving, tipsy you feasting on a slow-cooked yummy Janis! Delighted it went well for you. (No slight tightening of the throat or other unexplained ailments so far?!)

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha, nothing yet! But I think we consumed enough wine to counteract any poison 😉

      Yeah, I think I need to work on my kitchen a little – at one stage the poor guy was using a metal mixing bowl as a saucepan 🙂

  38. When I started to read your blog I also started to wonder is there really no man in Latvia, that could catch your attention… And finally it happened!!! There are nice man in Latvia (like my man :D, and your Jānis, and few more definitely whom I know ) it just takes time to find them.

  39. You may want to hold onto that one, at least until he’s fully equipped your kitchen 😉

  40. noveerotaaja says:

    So nice – hope to hear more about this Janis in your next blog posts 😉

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