Invasion of the Sperm Snatchers

The other day, I came across a rather ‘interesting’ thread on a Latvian discussion forum.

Caution: Men might want to cover their dangly bits before reading on…

A Latvian woman, clearly insane desperate to have a baby had encountered a slight stumbling block – her boyfriend wanted to wait a year or two before getting pregnant. This wasn’t soon enough for her so she decided to take matters into her own hands (and other parts). They usually had sex, with a condom, at around 10pm so she’d wait until he’d gone to work the next morning and then ‘go to work’ herself.

She’d find the condom, tear it apart, push it deep inside herself and then lie for a while with her feet in the air.

Careful, she might be stealing more than just your passwords...

Careful, she might be stealing more than just your passwords…

Now I don’t know if it’s possible to get pregnant this way. I don’t even know if the question is genuine or not (as is the way with all things internet) but quite frankly, that some woman could think this way, let alone act this way, scares the bejesus out of me. The thought of all those poor unsuspecting little Jānises out there makes me want to weep. I can understand someone wanting a baby (sort of) but to go to these lengths? If it’s not the lowest of the low, then it’s pretty close.

Can you imagine the birds and the bees conversation a few years later if it actually works?

Spulga: Mummy, where do babies come from?

Inde: Well, when a woman loves a man and a man sort of loves a woman but might be wavering a bit, it’s time for them to have a baby.

Spulga: But what if the man doesn’t want to? (Spulga is very wise.)

Inde: Don’t be stupid. You’re a Latvian woman. Men don’t get a say in these things. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes… first you lure him into the bedroom and trick him into having sex with you by telling him that you don’t really want a baby either. Then, in the morning, just before he leaves for work, you sleepily and innocently kiss him goodbye. As soon as you hear the door shut behind him, BAM, that’s when you spring into action. You run to the bathroom, find that condom, shove it inside yourself and wave your legs in the air like you just don’t care.

Spulga: That doesn’t sound very romantic. 

Inde: Don’t be stupid. You’re a Latvian woman. 

Truly, one to tell the grandkids.

Just when I thought the Latvians couldn’t surprise me any more, last night I was emailing back and forth with one of my students. Ever since he discovered the blog, he’s been trying to show me possible new directions I could go in. For example:

Dolārs: You should get a cat. Call it Mojo, short for Mojo-Jojo. Then you could take photos and tweet/blog all day long about having a cat (everybody on the internet apparently loves them). That would be the best. Goodbye blog about grumpy Latvians and hello pretty kitten photos.

Me: Or I could just shoot myself. Nah, I’m thinking of writing one about stealing sperm actually. 

After I’d explained the concept and he’d got over his initial shock (Dolārs: Holly-Molly-Wackamole-Ravioli. Good to know…), he immediately did what all Latvians do best – find a way to make a quick buck.

Dolārs: But I wonder… usually that kind of stuff goes into the bin. So if you really, really want it, wait for a rich guy to take out his trash and then find everything you need for your monthly income for at least the next 18 years 😀 Business plan.

My Latvian retirement plan?

My Latvian retirement plan?

In case you’re wondering what that noise is, it’s not the pitter-patter of tiny feet. It’s the pitter-patter of Yummy Jānis (and probably all the other Jānises) running for the hills after reading this post.

 

Related articles:

You can read the original discussion thread here.

And you can read about the crazy American who might have inspired her here. 

 

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About BerLinda

Adjusting to life in Germany, after living in Latvia for four years. Should be easy, right?
This entry was posted in Humor, Humour, Latvian men, Latvian women, Love and Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

118 Responses to Invasion of the Sperm Snatchers

  1. haemhweg says:

    Some girls in America also use this trick to get pregnant from NBA stars

  2. Pingback: Goodbye Mr ‘Why Not?’ | Expat Eye on Latvia

  3. CrazyCatLady says:

    All I can say that those women are stupid on so many levels.
    Can’t quite recover from the shock if I’m honest, hoax or not – these things do go on!
    Why ARE some women so stupid? They give sisters a bad name.

  4. I started to say that I can’t believe women do this, but I did just write a post about two girls who roofied me in Vegas. So, clearly, women are devious. 😉

    But honestly, do they not realize how much is involved in having a kid? Sheesh…..let me fill them in. They’ll stops sperm napping. 😉

  5. This isssssss crrrrazy, and hilarious. Nice Post!!

  6. Yummy Jānis says:

    I was interested if guys also do some tricks to make women pregnant. I did little research on internet and results just hit me. Damn, guys! What the???
    http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/record-number-of-men-trick-women-into-pregnancy-by-sabotaging-birth-control-study/

  7. Aussa Lorens says:

    Wow wow wow wow wow. Um, no I don’t think that’ll work! Isn’t there an old school method of just poking a needle through the condom? Or why not just throw out all the condoms and then seduce him into making a poor decision? Or, oh wait, that’s right– why not NOT decide to bring a child into the world via such desperate measures? Hmm.
    I want more on Yummy Janis, PS.

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha, yeah, I’m down with the last option! There are enough crazies in the world already without crazy breeding more crazy! 🙂 More on Yummy Janis in the next post – I promise! 🙂

  8. Kaufman's Kavalkade says:

    It could work potentially. Sperm is viable outside the body for a few hours.

    Anyway I win! I’m fixed haha. No more little #Krews about the place.

  9. Anna says:

    But really, this is America’s fault, non? For setting an example?

  10. Paul says:

    I’m pretty sure that condoms have a spermicide coating that helps to eliminate any escapees so I think the chances of any usable wriggly ones after a few hours is going to be pretty slim, However..

    This obviously needs some serious scientific investigation..
    First we need some lady volunteers.. 🙂 🙂
    Then later ask them to lie on their backs and practice the “dying fly” fitness moves.. 🙂 🙂

    (I could make a fortune on utube with this video!)
    (or open a new style fitness centre in Riga) 🙂 🙂

    • Expat Eye says:

      Well, this is one I certainly won’t be volunteering for – even if it would make a great blog post 😉 Or 18 years worth of them! Much as I love the Janises, I’m not quite ready to have a mini-one myself yet!! 🙂

  11. eNVee says:

    It is a terribly fake story. Anyway – good or bad, but you gave a lesson to women. How about doing the opposite? I mean a situation when he wants that child, but she doesn’t. What kind of dirty trics would work? Upload it to the “yahoo” while she sleeps? Does the bandwith matter? And what if she uses (wears) firewall? So many challenges there…

  12. Laura says:

    It’s not as uncommon as you might think! Behold Daily Mail journo Liz Jones’ confession: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2011/11/03/liz-jones-daily-mail-stole-sperm-boyfriend_n_1073183.html

  13. Glynis Jolly says:

    What I’m trying to figure out is why would that woman want the sperm of someone who seems to not really love her. If she thinks a kid is going to keep them together, she is clearly nuts.

  14. Trying to think of a witty comment while at the same time holding back my vomit. This was gross.

  15. linnetmoss says:

    Someone could make a great heist movie out of this. Or maybe “They Saved Hitler’s Sperm!”

  16. The Latvian way is not going to work. She’d have to take the used condom (gag) to a fertility clinic like in the Crazy American story link and insert it that way.

    Another crazy American story? Apparently, you can trap that deadbeat boyfriend of yours that has a fear of commitment by buying a used pregnancy test on EBay. There are batshit crazy pregnant women out there selling their used pregnancy tests that shows a positive. I’m going to assume once ‘Johnny’ puts a ring on it, that Batshit Crazy Girlfriend will then have to fake a miscarriage or kill some unsuspecting pregnant woman and steal her baby. What’s really sad is that there has been stories of unstable women doing just that over here in America. ::shakes her head::

  17. Zuzanna says:

    Oh noes, that whole post might be fake 😥 http://www.atceries.lv/lv/diskusijos.forum_zinutes/55124.2?sev=page (see the post by user “Raganiņa”, she explains her “research” there and in later posts too)

    • Expat Eye says:

      Yeah, I had a feeling it might be but just this morning I heard of a woman who actually succeeded in doing just this. She’d been having an affair with a married guy and wanted him to leave his wife. The pregnancy worked, the ultimatum did not 😉 Then you’ve got all the pill fakers, hole prickers… There are a lot of crazy women out there – and not just in LV 😉

  18. That is the reason why guys need to flush the condom 😀
    Happens not only in Latvia. Desperate women are everywhere!

  19. Why, yes. This is absolutely no where near where I thought you could have gone with this (and by now, I know to expect the unexpected!) That is cuh-ra-zeee. I thought she was gonna poke a whole in the condom (seen it in the movies?) or secretly stop taking her birth control (my ex-sis-in-law’s tactic), but shoving a condom up your yahoo??! Ma’am, there is no need for you to procreate. No need at all.

  20. barbedwords says:

    Wow, the deviousness of some people! I do know one lady who stopped taking the pill without telling her husband of ten years because he was uming and ahing about having kids. She got pregnant and he was as happy as Larry about it – now they have three kids. So, maybe it’s ok to give a little push sometimes???

    • Expat Eye says:

      Hmm. I guess all’s well that ends well in this case though!

    • bevchen says:

      That’s basically what people say to me… “just stop taking the pill. once he actually is a dad he’ll love it and wonder why he was ever unsure!”. I still couldn’t bring myself to be so dishonest in the first place though.

  21. OMG, I might need some help to erase the sperm-napping woman’s image from my head. Grrr… I think I’m now seriously mentally traumatized by this ‘knowledge’. I really really hope this whole thing is just some insane rambling on the Internet, otherwise I might think some crusade with some sharp swords and fire against those crazy ladies might be in order

    • Expat Eye says:

      I was talking to a woman this morning whose friend had done this exact thing in a bid to make a man leave his wife and marry her 😉 She had a baby but unsurprisingly the guy stayed with his wife 😉

  22. Yeah, so I agree it would be a long shot by the following morning, but probably worth about as much of a go as having sex with a dead guy. (!) Actually slightly less gross.

    Then again, does she even have Internet? Cause out of curiosity I just googled “not-gross ways to trick a guy into pregnancy” and sure enough, there are many web pages with various less-gross and also more-likely-to-succeed options. And google translate can handle many basic sentences these days.

  23. Disturbing…very disturbing 😦

  24. aalksnuz says:

    Silly. Too stupid to be truth. However, all people do crazy things sometimes, but some people are doing crazy things all time over.
    Sorry, Linda, I followed the link offered, to find, what the hell is going on, and what I noticed- the post in the discussion was full of emotion signs, and it looks more than dare, provocation, just for fun- to see the reaction of possible readers, so don’t pay attention on such stupidity.

  25. “I think if he’s constantly ‘not ready’ or ‘doesn’t know’ then he’s not sure if she’s the right woman. ” yesss. And calis.lv is a devil portal enyway 🙂

  26. bevchen says:

    I spoke to Jan about this post before I went to bed last night (he never reads my blog, but I occasionally talk to him about what I’ve been reading and writing about)…he seems to think sperm dies pretty quickly once it’s outside the body, so she’d have 30 minutes tops to steal it for the evil plot to work. I sincerely hope he’s right!

    And in response to Daina… I have one of those men who claims to not know what he wants/not be ready yet (although he does seem to be slowly coming around). Yes, it’s frustrating, but I will break up with him and find someone who does know what he wants before I go stealing sperm. Frustration is one thing… sperm-napping is just plain crazy!

  27. TRex says:

    Uhmmm…
    …errr…
    I’m at a loss for words. Women who want to make the decision to get pregnant unilaterally are nothing new and there’s more than a few ways of going about it. But fishing around in the bin! That’s some evil scientist stuff right there guaranteed to have the villagers with their torches outside your door in no time. It’s just wrong on so many levels. It’s the exact opposite of life from an act of love. It’s just, ewwww!

    I wouldn’t go back to that discussion board if I were you. Seems like one of those internet back alleys.

    To repeat…ewww!

    • Expat Eye says:

      Your ‘ewwwwww’ is most strongly seconded! Yeah, that was my first time visiting that site – I’d had that thread sent to me by one of my friends to check out. Naturally I thought it would make an excellent (if horribly creepy) blog post!

  28. MrJohnson says:

    I think sperm dies when outside of body temperature so that woman hasn’t done her research or is an amateur spermburglar. Then again what do I know about kidnapping sperm. I believe the best method is to use a needle to poke holes through the condom when still in its wrapper

    • Expat Eye says:

      Spermburglar/kidnapping sperm! You’ve made my morning twice! 🙂 Just googled – seemingly it can survive for 20 minutes to an hour…
      And stop giving these mad women ideas! 😉

  29. It’s not new though. This is a very popular technique in Asia. It’s also very popular in the US due to monetary and legal reasons. There have been numerous cases where the woman gets pregnant with “stolen” sperm from the man and sues him (successfully I might add) for child support. These cases have led some to demand their partners disposing condoms in their presence.

    And there was this:

    http://www.newspitter.com/2012/01/09/woman-gets-pregnant-after-having-intercourse-with-dead-man-in-a-mortuary

    (And she is suing the dead man’s family for child support)

    I also recall another case where the mistress of a wealthy man got some inheritance that way. She apparently get one of the coroner or mortuary assistants as her accomplice and conceived that way. By law, it is his child, even though he is dead. The child would have the right to the money.

    As for whether or not people can get pregnant this way? Well, that depends, since all it takes is one sperm to reach the egg. There are too many mitigating conditions to account for, but if the girl/woman is otherwise healthy and fertile, then it’s quite possible.

    The legs up technique is taught in a lot of pregnancy clinics though. For a lot of couples that have genuine trouble to conceive, the sex act itself can get complicated and technical. I mean, it might sound funny if you think about it.

    “Honey, I am ovulating today, so get home early!”
    “Honey, my BBT has risen, get home NOW!”
    “Honey, you haven’t ejaculated in the last 3 – 5 days, right? Good!”
    “Ok, I am sufficiently wet and my ph level is good.”
    “No, honey, the doctor said this position is better! Now push like you mean it!”
    “Now, honey, hold my legs up!”

    By this time, there is absolutely no romantic mood left what so ever, and a lot of guys will somehow feel inadequate. I’ve heard one reported that he felt the weight of his ancestor on him to try to produce an heir, while another called it similar to slaying a dragon in a final quest.

    Actually, the conversation is more funny if you are Chinese. There are quite a lot of folk remedies, fortune telling, prayer rituals and fengshui involving conceiving a child.

    “No, honey, we need to face south! The fengshui master said that was our lucky position this week!”
    “Yes, honey, it’s ginseng garlic chicken/turtle soup, to make you strong!”
    “Oh, the crystals are for blocking the bad chi from entering our bedroom so we will have better luck!”

    For the people who are interested, garlic, ginger, ginseng and coffee are all considered good aphrodisiacs. Garlic and Ginger needs to be semi-raw for it to get the best effect.

    What I do always lets me learn interesting things. 😛

    For those that want to be mothers, it’s advised to do it before 35. If you are not sure before you are 30, then go freeze some eggs. If you don’t need them eventually, you can always donate it. After 35, the scene above is what will be happening with you and your partner, and it won’t be sexy. 😉 I am also really interested in the recent studies on how regular menses might not be healthy for women and might be a contributing cause of infertility. If you are on the pill, you might want to look into the new regiment where you get 2 days off the pill instead of the regular 5 – 7 days. But that’s another topic altogether.

    Cheers!

    • Expat Eye says:

      Your comment has also scared the bejesus out of me! Sex with dead guys??? What will these crazy beeatches think of next!

    • bevchen says:

      Oh dear god. You’ve officially succeeded in topping the original post. Sex with dead guys??? That’s a level of crazy that I can’t even begin to get my head around.

      Your last paragraph made me sad. I’m 31 this year… I originally wanted kids before I turned 30. Boyfriend is “not sure”. I didn’t get any eggs frozen (and even if I had, IVF is expensive as far as I’m aware.). I’ve also been on the pill for over 10 years. I know all the statistics and I’m fairly sure I’ll never be a mother, but I haven’t come to terms with it yet. Reading stuff like this always makes me feel awful.

      • Expat Eye says:

        I wouldn’t give up hope just yet 😉 My best friend just had her first last year at 35. One of my students was telling me that her friend, who’s 42, just had a baby – at the same time as her 22 year old daughter… Mother and grandmother in one fell swoop.

      • bevchen says:

        I know it’s possible, and if I could be sure Jan would be ready in the next year or 2 that would be great… but currently I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that I probably won’t have kids. That way, if it does happen I’ll be pleasantly surprised and if it doesn’t… well, at least I’ll be prepared for the disappointment. And I keep seeing articles that are basicallly “childless women over 30… you were stupid to put it off because now you are basically doomed!”

      • Expat Eye says:

        Ha scare tactics – all of my friends waited until they were in their 30s. Perfectly normal these days!

      • (After re-reading it, this reply is a bit overly serious, I hope I didn’t ruin the mood of the post )
        I am not an M.D., so this isn’t considered to be actual medical advice. But this is what I know about the subject at hand.
        IVF is expensive for 2 basic reasons that is an endless loop – 1. most people don’t start panicking until they are around 34 – 37, by that point, your clock is stacked against you, 2. since the clock is stacked against you, the failure rate would be high, therefore you got to keep trying time after time. The repeated procedures/and additional rounds of medication are the major cause for farther expenditures. If you can do it in one or two shots/tries, then you are gold. (this isn’t directed at you specifically, I am just stating a common knowledge in the industry using a second pronoun)

        Another big obstacle is carrying the child to term. The pregnancy rate v.s. live birth rate gets worse as one age. I can’t sugar coat a fact of life – at 38 – 40, live birth rate is 22.3% (with IVF), at 41 – 42, that drops to 12.3%.

        BUT, you might have misunderstood what I said. What I mean by the newest research data is that it shows that women on the pill might have an easier time to conceive in later age compared to women using other contraceptives while having regular menses. The data is still sketchy though. I won’t get into formulations, since that’s above my head.

        It’s never too late to freeze your eggs if you might want children later. (I sound like a nagging doctor now *blinks*) Freezing can also save you money for IVF in the future. You basically cut the procedure cost in half or more. The technique itself has existed since the 80s, but it was only recently they refined the technique to raise the success rate to that of live eggs. And since earlier eggs are more likely to be more “fertile” or “healthy”, they are preferred if one is going down that route. (in quotations because there are obvious mitigating factors)

        I just checked (if I am wrong then nvm), and you seem to be from U.K. As far as I know (only that far, I might add), public health insurance in Britain is fairly lenient in covering various costs. You might consider going back for the procedure?

        As for the BF…, well, I can give you some tactics suggested to me. Of course, the biggest problem (might be) his insecurity about “taking care” of you or the kids. Apparently, the trick is to make him think the idea is all his. The ideas I heard are mostly based on gradually introducing positive images of parenthood in their daily lives. I.E.: showing parents having fun after having kids, seeing images of daddy handling kids’ problems with no hassle while getting admiring looks from others, etc. Of course, it’s probably best to ask advice on all the different parent/mother blogs around the neighbourhood (they are all very lovely people 🙂 ). When, how, why, how much, and who wanted kids first/how did you convince others, etc. Good luck! 🙂

  30. nancytex2013 says:

    Now I’ve heard it all.

  31. LOLOL! You’ve surpassed yourself with this. My sex cake post doesn’t even come close 😉

  32. Paul says:

    I am concerned now about all the old ladies that seem to be rummaging through the apartment dustbins daily! Is it only a matter of time before a paternity suit arriving?

    I suppose its a fair trade, steal your used condoms whilst she makes you breakfast in bed and irons you a work shirt and with only a promise of “I’ll call you”

    I’m told that soaking in strong bleach will kill the sperm (AFTER YOU USE IT!)

    • Expat Eye says:

      You’re probably safe enough with the old ladies 😉 If gangs of women in their 20s/30s join them, I’d keep a bucket of bleach beside the bed, just in case 😉

  33. How…? Why…? Ummmm…. What if that’s how it should be done! We might be doing it all wrong all these years! LOL

  34. ‘And wave your legs in the air like you just don’t care’ haha that visual is just too much! Truly an interesting (and terrifying) post! Thanks for sharing!

  35. Daina says:

    So many things to say here, Linda!
    First, I had no idea your Latvian was that good, to read Latvian site like that!
    Second, this is what dark cold winters in Latvia have driven you to – reading bizarro things online? (Oh wait, I think we all do that nowadays…weather notwithstanding!)
    Third, I highly recommend reading the novel “Gone Girl”. Or just wait for the movie, which is supposed to be released this year. I cannot say anymore, just that it relates to this topic!
    Fourth, this is why your blog will always have far more readers and commentators than mine!
    Fifth, just because Latvians prefer odd numbers (although the number five seems to be pretty rare in Latvian folklore), thank you so much for sharing! Glad to hear that people the world over are nuts!!

    • Expat Eye says:

      Ha, people send me links and pictures all the time as possible blog topics! This was one of them 😉 I could understand most of it but had a Latvian check just in case I’d missed something! I’ve got around 4 books lined up at the moment but I’ll keep an eye out for that one! Yup, it’s definitely not just a Latvian thing. Women scare me. 🙂

      • Daina says:

        The movie stars Ben Affleck…of course, some people are very anti-Affleck; don’t know in which camp you fall. I think human beings as a whole are a scary lot…please don’t force me into a debate about which gender is scarier…it needs to be judged on a case-by-case basis! 😉

      • Expat Eye says:

        Hmm, Ben Affleck. I think I have more of a problem with Matt Damon (said in Team America voice) so we should be OK. 🙂

      • MrJohnson says:

        I’m so ronery, so ronery. That is one of the greatest shows ever..haha

      • Expat Eye says:

        I LOVE that 😉 Will listen to it on youtube now I think – great start to the day!

  36. bevchen says:

    It’s no secret that I want to be a mother… and I’m getting on a bit. It’s also not exactly a secret (at least on my blog) that Jan isn’t entirely sure what he wants yet. I have been advised (more than once!) to secretly stop taking the pill so that I can “accidently” get pregnant without Jan knowing. And these people were entirely serious?! Now, they may be right that Jan would quickly come around if I DID end up pregnant – and he has even admitted that an accidental pregnancy may not even be such a bad thing – at least it would take the decision out of his hands. But “accidently” getting pregnant ON PURPOSE?! Surely a relationship should be based on TRUST… including being able to trust your partner to actually use contraception when they say they are?! My mind truly boggles at this kind of mentality.

    • Expat Eye says:

      Mine too. I really don’t get how you could trick someone into such a life-changing decision. Seemingly women have successfully sued for child support in the US based on this kind of situation. I really feel sorry for men when I read about this kind of stuff. Conniving bitches.

      • bevchen says:

        I know… and it gives the rest of us who want children a bad name! I would NEVER do that. I want my children to have a father who actually wanted them to be born (obviously if I genuinely got pregnant by accident that would be different – I would definitely go through with the pregnancy and just have to hope Jan ended up being ok with it).

      • Expat Eye says:

        Yeah, that’s totally different. You’re not sneaking around behind his back, plotting against him and totally taking him out of the decision. But in this situation, imagine how the guy would feel if he ever found out? Do you really think he’d stick around? I know I wouldn’t.

      • bevchen says:

        Nope… I wouldn’t either. That’s part of my problem with it. Even if you ignore the fact that stealing someone’s sperm is creepy as hell… how do these women think the man is going to feel if he ever finds out what really happened?! If I ever did take these people’s “advice” I would fully expect the truth to come out one day… and for Jan to leave me when it did. And I would totally deserve it as well!

      • Expat Eye says:

        Fully agree with that!

      • Daina says:

        Not to defend women who would do this, but I can certainly understand a woman’s frustration with a man who is just constantly claiming to “not be ready” or to not know. What is he waiting for? A choir of angels to come down from the heavens and pronounce, “You, Jānis Edgars Bērziŋš, aged 35 years, 4 months and 18 days, having been married for 4 years, 11 months and 2 days, having achieved your master’s degree, having purchased a house, having started saving for retirement, and finally knowing how to cook something other than pasta, YOU are now READY to become a FATHER!!!”??? Because 50% of all pregnancies are unplanned (not necessarily unwanted, but just not planned) and interestingly, most of those folks end up being perfectly fine parents.

      • Expat Eye says:

        I think if he’s constantly ‘not ready’ or ‘doesn’t know’ then he’s not sure if she’s the right woman. Or he just doesn’t want kids but doesn’t want to lose her. But a choir of angels would be nice in these sorts of situations – you couldn’t really argue with that, could you? 😉

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