The other day, I came across a rather ‘interesting’ thread on a Latvian discussion forum.
Caution: Men might want to cover their dangly bits before reading on…
A Latvian woman, clearly
insane desperate to have a baby had encountered a slight stumbling block – her boyfriend wanted to wait a year or two before getting pregnant. This wasn’t soon enough for her so she decided to take matters into her own hands (and other parts). They usually had sex, with a condom, at around 10pm so she’d wait until he’d gone to work the next morning and then ‘go to work’ herself.
She’d find the condom, tear it apart, push it deep inside herself and then lie for a while with her feet in the air.
Now I don’t know if it’s possible to get pregnant this way. I don’t even know if the question is genuine or not (as is the way with all things internet) but quite frankly, that some woman could think this way, let alone act this way, scares the bejesus out of me. The thought of all those poor unsuspecting little Jānises out there makes me want to weep. I can understand someone wanting a baby (sort of) but to go to these lengths? If it’s not the lowest of the low, then it’s pretty close.
Can you imagine the birds and the bees conversation a few years later if it actually works?
Spulga: Mummy, where do babies come from?
Inde: Well, when a woman loves a man and a man sort of loves a woman but might be wavering a bit, it’s time for them to have a baby.
Spulga: But what if the man doesn’t want to? (Spulga is very wise.)
Inde: Don’t be stupid. You’re a Latvian woman. Men don’t get a say in these things. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes… first you lure him into the bedroom and trick him into having sex with you by telling him that you don’t really want a baby either. Then, in the morning, just before he leaves for work, you sleepily and innocently kiss him goodbye. As soon as you hear the door shut behind him, BAM, that’s when you spring into action. You run to the bathroom, find that condom, shove it inside yourself and wave your legs in the air like you just don’t care.
Spulga: That doesn’t sound very romantic.
Inde: Don’t be stupid. You’re a Latvian woman.
Truly, one to tell the grandkids.
Just when I thought the Latvians couldn’t surprise me any more, last night I was emailing back and forth with one of my students. Ever since he discovered the blog, he’s been trying to show me possible new directions I could go in. For example:
Dolārs: You should get a cat. Call it Mojo, short for Mojo-Jojo. Then you could take photos and tweet/blog all day long about having a cat (everybody on the internet apparently loves them). That would be the best. Goodbye blog about grumpy Latvians and hello pretty kitten photos.
Me: Or I could just shoot myself. Nah, I’m thinking of writing one about stealing sperm actually.
After I’d explained the concept and he’d got over his initial shock (Dolārs: Holly-Molly-Wackamole-Ravioli. Good to know…), he immediately did what all Latvians do best – find a way to make a quick buck.
Dolārs: But I wonder… usually that kind of stuff goes into the bin. So if you really, really want it, wait for a rich guy to take out his trash and then find everything you need for your monthly income for at least the next 18 years 😀 Business plan.
In case you’re wondering what that noise is, it’s not the pitter-patter of tiny feet. It’s the pitter-patter of Yummy Jānis (and probably all the other Jānises) running for the hills after reading this post.
You can read the original discussion thread here.
And you can read about the crazy American who might have inspired her here.