Expat Eye on Latvia

How to pee like a Latvian

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Disclaimer: I have never actually seen a Latvian woman pee. This post is based on the evidence I witness each and every time I step into a public toilet here. However, having put my ‘Horatio Caine’ thinking cap on, this is the only rational explanation I can come up with. 

No more pissing about…

By following these few simple steps, you too can create your very own “Latvian Ladies’ Lav” experience in the comfort of your own home or workplace:

1. Totter into the toilet cubicle and lock the door – sometimes.

2. Hitch up your skirt – depending on how short it is, this might not be necessary.

3. Drop your drawers – if you’re wearing any.

4. Climb up onto the toilet seat and reach upwards. Grab on to any available ceiling fixture (light, extractor fan, loose wiring, etc.) and lift your legs.

5. If the light or fan is embedded into the ceiling, or there is no faulty wiring where you are, simply plant one stiletto on either side of the toilet bowl.

6. Start to move your hips in a nice circular motion, as if you were hula dancing.

7. Let rip while keeping your hips moving. The trick here is to try not to get any pee into the toilet bowl, but make sure that it all lands on the seat.

Advanced move: text a few friends, take a selfie or update your Facebook status while in motion. 

8. Dismount and wipe – gently place used toilet paper on top of the bin next to the toilet.

9. Flush – well, it would be rude not to, right?

10. Do not attempt to wipe down the seat after use. Instead, float a couple of sheets or balls of toilet paper on top of your wee.

11. Unlock the door and walk to the sink. Hand-washing is optional but if you choose to, please do not dry your hands. You want to leave the door handle nice and wet for the next visitor.

12. Make sure your hair looks good and exit the bathroom.

Optional extras:

Except when they’re sooooo wrong.

So there you have it! The authentic “Latvian Ladies’ Lav” experience. Have fun recreating it wherever you are – I’m off to do just that…

 

 

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